PLUMP

For something completely new, I'm here today to tell you about my latest conundrum. Am I crazy? Probably!!

I've been working in social policy / community development / community organising in some capacity for about 7 years now. After messing around at uni for a couple of years and paying far more attention to activism than academics, I thought I'd hit the jackpot when I realised I could get a degree to become a paid activist.

About 3 years ago I landed my current job which, on paper, I love! It's my dream job. When I look at the employment section of the paper, no other job in my field ever measures up against it. I am, nonetheless, miserable at work. I have been for about 12 months now. At first, I thought my misery/boredom/disengagement was a direct result of my intense baby lust and major desire to hang out at home with a bub for a couple of years. More recently however, I've come to realise that (and it hurts me and my ego to say this,) I'm just not cut out for this kind of work. I'm demoralised. I work toward social justice / social change but in an era so conservative, that all attempts to make change are stymied. Some people can stay inspired and motivated in these conditions but I can't and I'm no longer an effective worker.

Meanwhile, my interest in healthcare and holistic health science has been increasing exponentially in the last few years. At first, I thought I wanted to take my current skills and apply them in a public health setting, but now, I'm thinking of doing a naturopathy degree. I really feel called to it.

If I do this, it'll probably take me the better part of 8 years (the degree is 4 years, full time) because I've gotta fit getting knocked up and parenting in somewhere and will need to do a large chunk of the degree in a part time capacity. I'll probably have to stay in my current job until I give birth too - and maybe even return to it part time, depending on finances after 12 months maternity leave...so this is by no means a quick fix but I think it could be something really good.

I long to work for myself. I'd love to work from home. I'm desperate to set my own hours. A naturopath can do all of those things...and more!

I'm such an Aries though. I want change and newness and excitment all the time. What happens when this isn't new anymore? How do you know when you're making bad decisions? More than loving newness, Aries hate to be wrong. How will I reconcile this if it all goes belly-up??

Anyone?

Isn't this exciting? I have something new to be a neurotic, pain in the ass about! My period is still not here! It's 4 days late now. Is this the drugs? My period is NEVER late. Maybe I'm actually pregnant and my last 2 periods were just a freak of nature. I wander what this will mean for ovulating? Will I ovulate?

Oh what fun...

My bloody period (eek - bad pun, unintended) is late. It is never late. I barely/rarely chart anymore because I know that I bleed and ovulate like clockwork. Stupid thyroid meds. Looks like an insemination in November is gonna cost us a packet in OPK's!!

Last night I dreamed that I had to seek fertility treatment in a clinic. Distressing in itself, because if this was the case, I'd have to go out of state to do it (it's illegal for dykes and single women to reproduce here...) ...But even more distressing was that on the first try, they injected the sperm through my feet!! Weird huh? Freaky even... Needless to say the foot method was unsuccessful and the second time around they put all the right things in all the right places but I woke up before the end of the 2ww!

I'm feeling loads better, thanks mostly to having had a lovely weekend, hanging out with Ducks and spending some low-key time with friends.

I never did make it to the Doctor, rather, I let myself get sucked into cyber world and deciphered that what I was experiencing, was indeed, a thyroid dump. Of course, this could be entirely inaccurate but after a stack of research, I've really come to understand this thyroid madness A LOT better and I'm confident that I'm on track to getting on top of it. It certainly is interesting to note that it's not uncommon for me to have 4 or 5 day periods where I feel generally drained and shitty, physically and emotionally - that there's a reason for it, is somehow vindicating...that I'm on track to managing it, is very exciting.

On Saturday, there happened to be a gluten-free food expo on here so we braved the serious crowds - paid our $15 each (!!!!) and were promptly disappointed. The most exciting new gluten free product we came across was lollies (or candy, or sweets for you international folk) - soft, chewy ones - they were truly exciting for 10 minutes or so, but sooo not worth $30 worth of admission fees. We realise now that we live in the BEST serviced area of this city for healthy living and whole food shops - we've actually discovered all the decent gluten free alternatives in our local organic shops already! I guess, if you lived in the suburbs though, that expo would have seemed like a gift from heaven. Meanwhile, I still can't find a decent loaf of gluten free bread!

Anyway - I'm really hoping for something interesting to blog about soon - or at least looking forward to realigning from thyroid neurosis to TTC neurosis. Fingers crossed I can do that in November!

I took this photo through the car windscreen, with my crappy camera phone, while waiting in the car for Ducks. I'm impressed with the mood it evokes. It was exactly how I felt that night. Once Ducks was in the car, we ventured across town, through the heavy heavy rain to see Krisitin Hersh (of Throwing Muses fame) perform. She was gorgeous, the sound was terrible.

On days when I feel as crappy as I do right now, I need to remind myself that there's so much life and wonder out there and we participate in so much of it. This is but a brief moment in time and it too will pass leaving but a tiny square on the patchwork of this amazing life.

The good news is that we ate amazing food the other night and it was all gluten free...even the amazing chocolate tart I made was without a trace of wheat. I'm still very impressed with myself for that one.

The bad news is that I'm having some not-so-hot side effects from the thyroid meds. At least I hope they're side effects and not something else. I will say, that a couple of days ago I felt great and really thought they were already having a good effect. But I haven't slept properly for 3 nights now. I can go to sleep fine but I'm waking up and staying awake for ages, every couple of hours. I feel like I haven't been to bed. Consequently, I have a headache permanently and yesterday I threw up a couple of times too. I'm also feeling really depressed - so depressed that I can't even get myself to work today.

I'm really not sure what to do. I know that if I go back to the doc, she'll pull me off the meds straight away - 'cos she wasn't keen to give them to me in the first place. I don't want to stop taking them just yet though because I'm scared of what that'll mean for TTC.

I feel like such a silly complainer. I know that many women have far more traumatic, extended, painful fertility issues than this. And I am really pleased that we discovered all this now and not in 12 months time but I still feel pissed off that my dramatic Aries self has been reduced to this pathetic, whining misery-guts.

Meanwhile, Ducks is having a horrible time at work. Yesterday, she was called in for a 'meeting' to discuss the fact that she was 5 minutes late. This, despite the fact that most mornings she's 15 minutes early and stays back at least half an hour most nights. And while it may not sound like a big deal, it is in the scheme of all the other things her bosses pull on her - like expecting her to eat her lunch in the office so that she can answer the phone while everyone else goes out. She's not the f**king receptionist - and even if she were, she should be allowed to leave at lunchtime.

But then, I work in a pretty amazing place as far as worker conditions go. Maybe my expectations are warped from being treated too well??? Regardless, I hate the way they treat her and I hate that she is so unhappy there and I really hate how powerless I feel over it all.

And I hate that this is a miserable and rambly, boring blog entry too.

Off to google side effects of thyroid meds...

You have to look at this blog! Forget the fact that it's all gluten free if you want. I'm inspired! gluten-free girl! You won't be disappointed....and nor will our dinner guests tonight who will
tonight be fed a gluten-free feast.

We're doing ok. We're now four days into gluten and dairy free and we've managed to stick pretty close to the rules. I had a minor meltdown last night so Ducks went to the supermarket and picked up a gluten free chocolate cake mix. It cheated a little bit as it had butter in it, but I can live with that. Anyway, it wasn't the yummiest thing I've ever eaten but it sure beats the gluten free bread we've been tolerating. Thank the stars that dark chocolate is still on the list of ok food. I simply wouldn't survive without it.

Meanwhile, I've started the thyroxine (which is the Aust equivalent of Synthroid) and am on a tiny dose but I swear it's making me itchier than I've ever been. Is that weird?

I am really not enjoying the neurotic rollercoaster person that babymaking is turning me into. I read my previous blog entries and cringe. I want to be sane and level headed and not ruled by ever changing emotions. I want to state the previous sentence and know that it is attainable but after reading over the ups and downs of the last 2 months - clearly it isn't.

Nonetheless, we are definitely not sperminating this month, we definitely are dairy and gluten free AND I just took my first thyroxine tablet much to my doctors chagrin who really wanted me to wait for the natural stuff to kick in.

Yay to energy and good skin and a clear head!

I don't know what to think now. I keep hearing that hypothyroid shouldn't impact on chances of conception if your cycle is normal...which mine is.

I need to stop reading and trust my instinct, right??

Ok. Not irrational and emotional anymore and decisions have been made.

1.) I am going to take the western meds. Everything I read points to them being ok in the short term. One naturopath even says that if you are ttc you needn't give it a second thought.

2.) We're not going to inseminate this month. There are several reasons. The chances of getting pregnant are so teeny. And, if pregnant, the chances of miscarriage are high. Why put myself through unnecessary stress when stress is one of the biggest triggers of Hashimoto's flare ups? We also considered our wonderful donor in this decision too - we already feel we burden him enough and we'd feel disrespectful of him if we were to inseminate with little to no chance of pregnancy. We don't want to wear out our welcome.

3.) I am going to be much more pragmatic about this whole affair. I cannot afford the stress. From now on, I'm taking all the steps I need to in order to achieve maximum health and fertility.

4.) Ducks, who is plagued by PCOS and endo, and I are going gluten free and are detoxing from dairy for the next 4-8 weeks (we'll see how well we do - no yoghurt and no cheese sounds very hard!!). The gluten free thing will be permanent. It's something we both knew we should have done long before this thyroid thing.

Everything is going to be great!

==========

We just saw Irina Palm at the cinema. Maryanne Faithfull was incredibly convincing as a frumpy, middle-aged woman. I was shocked. T'was a good film but has put me off our plan to watch Shortbus tonight. I've done my dash with penis centred films today!

I'm really tired and really sad today. I think we have to skip out on sperminating next week and maybe for the rest of the year. There's really no point until we get this thyroid under control. I still haven't decided how I'm going to deal with it but I'm leaning toward a bit of everything, even western meds, because TTC is too important to me, right now, to leave any stone unturned.

I had some acupuncture yesterday. My TCM practitioner is giving me treatments for re-current miscarriage which is smart. I've also started on the supplements and am reading all I can on various autoimmune diets. Opinions vary wildly and nothing I've read is nearly as radical as the diet the doctor recommended. Hopefully I'll find a happy medium that will gel with me.

That's about all I've got the energy to report right now - my next job is to go back to doc and get a prescription...wish me luck - I think she'll be reluctant to give it to me.

Ducks and I saw a beautiful film on the weekend. If you like singer/songwriter-y* acoustic music and are a sucker for a thoughtful and genuine storyline, then Once is for you! My heart is still warm. Lovely film, and a nice departure from the many doco's we've recently seen at the cinema.

*I guess it would be remiss of me not to mention that said singer/songwriter is Glen Hansard of The Frames fame --no need to be into The Frames to appreciate the film though.

See it!!!

Well, the next lot of test results are in and they ain't pretty. I'm feeling sad and fragile today as I work to digest the knowledge that I've got Hashimoto's disease - an autoimmune disease that attacks my thyroid and can cause it to be hypo or hyper and may eventually prevent it from working at all. It's certainly not the end of the world and it sounds like it can be managed naturally but it all seems like such hard work. The diet suggested by the doc pretty much rules out every last bit of food I eat. No soy, no dairy, no beans, no legumes, no wheat, no rye, no nightshades, no garlic, no onion, no ginger and so on and so forth. (oh, and obviously, none of the chocolately good sweet stuff either!)

Despite last weeks big blip on the radar, I'm generally not a bad eater. Sure, we eat some stuff that we shouldn't but we also eat plenty of good, whole foods. We rarely eat processed food, we eat mostly organic and we don't use harsh chemical cleaning agents on ourselves or the house. I'm pissed off that despite a fairly healthy lifestyle, I've managed to develop such a disease.

My biggest concern and the reason I'm feeling fragile is that I need to think seriously about TTC right now. While not a big risk, there is nonetheless some risk in pregnancy with all this thyroid business - worse case outcome is reduced fetal brain development. There also seems to be some indication that Hashimoto's plays havoc with maintaining pregnancy. So I might fall pregnant, but will find it hard to stay pregnant. Right now, postponing TTC sounds so much worse than the prospect of miscarriage (which I know is irrational but it's how I feel). I don't know what to do.

Anyway, at the recommendation of the doc, I trundled off to the dispensary and invested in selenium drops (100mg / day), Vit D3 (1000 iu/day) and some tyrosine capsules too. I'm not making any promises about the diet but I will definitely increase my intake of the good stuff (which seems to be every variant of spinach and that's about it) and cut all the really naughty stuff out. And obviously, I'll take the supplements.

Meanwhile, Ducks and I have got some big discussions to have and some decisions to make.

grrr.