PLUMP

Looks like the stars are looking after me, and agreed that a Taurus partner AND a Taurus baby would be unfair on me. My period arrived about an hour ago. I'm disappointed but also relieved to have this waiting period over with. Does the two week wait get any easier?

Although it will be another test on my patience, I'm really glad that I have 6weeks to prepare for the next round. Our donor is going to Italy for the month so no insem in Sept. Maybe we'll find ourselves with a sensitive Cancerian...not that I've already worked out due dates if we were to conceive in October..oh no..hehe...

Just a quick update to say I'm still in the game! I'm shocked and amazed...and really nauseous and light headed. No testing until tomorrow (after my period is due) though - I've wasted enough $$ already.

There was a lunar eclipse here last night and I'm starting to wonder if it had anything to do with my PMS grouchiness and the cramps. I'm still not bleeding even though I've felt as though I am all day. I've had these cramps for a couple of days now even though my period is actually not due until tomorrow or the next day. Maybe I'm still in the game? Or maybe I'm just feeling better for a minute because I have just eaten more chocolate than I care to recall.

Still testing negative and feeling crampy with serious PMS. Not looking good this month. I suspect I'll bleed any minute now. Grump. Someone commented that it really sucks to find out that you're not pregnant AND get your period on the same day. She's so right :(

Ok baby. You can feel safe with me now. Do your thing and give me a positive HPT in the next few days OK?

I've just dealt with a big drama and piece of emotional baggage that I've been holding onto for a while now. Boy, does that feel good! Guilt and avoidance are so unhealthy and I am VERY good at them both. Earlier this year, I thought I was superwoman. I was studying fulltime as well as working my very demanding, often stressful job. By May, I wasn't coping. I had big drama at work and was finding it impossible to focus on uni at all. Even when I had the physical time to study, I just couldn't find the head space. In June we had the drama of moving house and it wasn't until July that I had to admit that I'd dropped the study bundle. I decided to quit uni - probably until after baby arrives. After dealing with a lot of disappointment in myself (I'm really good at this self pressure / self sabotage thing) I have been feeling really great about my decision. I've been studying in some capacity for the better part of 11 years now (not to mention the 12 years at school before that). This is the first time in a long time that I've been able to truly enjoy my weekends and downtime without that voice in the back of my head telling me to 'get back to work.' It's been great.

Unfortunately though, my quitting uni actually impacted on other people (who were friends before they were research partners) and I was so immobilised by the guilt I felt in letting them down that I have been avoiding dealing with it at all. I took the cowards way out and sent them a long email. We'd be waiting until Christmas for me to feel brave enough to make the call... I figured an email was better than that. I don't know how they'll react but the ball is now out of my court and I'm very relieved. I know that they'll be disappointed not to get the research for their organisation that they were hoping for but I think they're pretty reasonable and empathetic (sympathetic??) people. I'm pretty sure that there is room to rebuild trust and friendship.

It feels so good to have that dealt with. I'm feeling all righteous now and like there is no reason for the universe to withhold pregnancy from me. I know, I'm deluded.

eek!!! I got comments :) Does that mean I've been accepted as a bona fide member of the blogging universe? I want more comments! Bring 'em on!

Spring may have sprung but it seems that the seeds aren't being fertilised as quickly as I would have liked. It turns out that I'm actually only 9dpo not 10 as I had thought (hoped). That means that the negative result on the home pregnancy test I took this morning isn't quite as demoralising as I feared but it also means an even longer wait.

In this alternate world I'm living in, minutes take days to pass. Days take years. It's made harder by the fact that only a handful of people IRL know that we're in the 2ww. I'm a talker - and I'm generally pretty open about my life, this secret keeping thing is tough.

I'm sure my mum is onto us though...she just called again to see if we had 'any news.' That's the 3rd time she's asked this week. It's true, mothers just know this stuff don't they?

This is our tortoiseshell kitty. She's about 5 and she's hard work - they don't call them naughty torties for nothing. The fact that even blogspot managed to delete the photo of her from my previous post is perhaps a comment on how we sometimes feel about her. When she is sweet, she's very very sweet. Unfortunately, most of the time she's terrorising our other cat, ripping up our furniture, smashing glasses off the dining table or eating directly from the pot on the stove. 90% of the time she hisses and spits if we try to go near her. Rescue Remedy helps, so does homecooked food but nothing really helps. Of course, as I write this, she's being very sweet, basking on the sunny window sill in front of me. One day I'm going to get struck down by lightening for trying to give her away, but until that day, anyone want a naughty tortie?

After a long, cold winter, the air finally smells of sweet blossom and the pets can again doze for hours in the warm sunshine. I love blossom and I'm always trying to take the perfect photo of it. One day I'll get it.

Todays imagined symptoms: cramps, sharp pains in my breasts, overheating, fluctuating energy levels. I'm so gonna cave and test in the next few days. This is truly killing me.

Imagined symptoms continue to plague me...heartburn, cramps, skin breaking out. My imagination is not helped by the fact that my acupuncturist said my pulse was looking good for pregnancy today! Honestly, I'm feeling pretty calm about the prospect of this not being THE month but wouldn't it be lovely...I think I'll test next Wednesday.

In other news, Ducks got a new full time job yesterday. She's been freelancing all of this year so it's going to be lovely to have her generating a regular, guaranteed income. Of course, I'm reading it as yet another sign!

I've realise that I have to keep busy if I want to glide through this 2ww with my sanity. I've got books galore and am lapping up all kinds of pregnancy and parenting books - This week, I highly recommend Breeder - edited by the HipMama crew. A wonderful read that works hard to challenge the assumptions of hetero middle class babymaking habits. I was particularly inspired by Ariel Gore's comment in the introduction where she speaks of having children while, rather than instead of, pursuing our other dreams. This really resonated with Ducks and I as we have felt judged by some of our peer group for wanting kids now - before we've achieved middle class comfort (what is that? $150,000 a year salary and a mortgage to match?). The thing is, we live in this big city with big property prices and a high cost of living. If we were to buy a house, we wouldn't be able to do all the other things that we love to do. Things that we believe make us much richer and will make our kid much richer than owning a house. There's lots of things we want our kid to experience and learn from us - managing big debt and big stress isn't one of them. We're not ruling out property buying forever, just for now. Maybe, after we've travelled A LOT more and got Ducks set up in her career, we'll come back to it - but right now, we're not interested in being ruled by a mortgage. Of course, there are other assumptions to challenge with this too - like babies correlating with the end of the world or the end of ourselves or something...but that's something to ponder another day.

I digress. Apologies. What I actually came here to say is that knitting is on my list of things to do for distraction. I have these beautiful wooden needles and 3 balls of gorgeous Jo Sharp wool (see photo above) and I think I need to learn a stitch other than purl and basic knit in order to do it justice. So - does anyone out there have some good links to learn to knit websites?

Under the guise of 'research' I just took my first ever pregnancy test. I am silly, of course I know that. It came as no shock whatsoever that I got a negative result at 4dpo. Now I understand why they say not to even have tests in the house!

Ducks is a bit annoyed with me now. She's right. It's a big waste of money. No more until agreed testing day. I promise.

There's no way to make this entry particularly different or more interesting than any other 2ww (2 week wait) entry on any other mama-to-be blog.

The insems happened with relative success on Weds and Thurs evening and now we are back to waiting. I have never seen real live semen before and was completely grossed out on the inside but almost managed a mature, level-headed demeanour externally. I only gagged once when I first saw it and Ducks wasn't around to notice! I felt somewhat vindicated upon talking to a hetero friend of mine who also says she gags and is repulsed by semen...my fragile lesbian self may not be such a sooky-la after all!

Our donor - of course, was wonderful. On Weds, I made Ducks collect the goods on her own as I couldn't face the thought of having to look him in the eye. I was too nervous and excited and the knowledge of what he'd been doing not 5 minutes earlier was just too much for me. Ducks called my bluff the next day (Thurs) when in my neurosis, I decided that we had the insem days all wrong and I decided that we HAD to (which in hindsight we didn't) insem 12 hours earlier than I'd first organised with donor boy (he needs a name - I'll come up with one soon and get back to you!) I kind of thought Ducks would tell me to suck it up and inseminate again at the agreed time but instead, she stipulated that if I really wanted to, I would make the call and be part of the collection. So, after a lot of deep breaths and pathetic sighs, I made the call. And he was just so kind and accommodating and no more than an hour later, Ducks and I both collected the goods, proudly (with eye contact) and then dashed home for insem #2. We're thinking that if this one doesn't take, we're going to ask for 3 donations next cycle. He's so relaxed about it, I don't think he'll mind at all.

Anyway - here we are now. 3 or 4dpo (days past ovulation) and back to the slow torture of waiting. I'm going to try and hold out until August 30th to test but I'm allowing myself a margin of error at around Aug 28. Meanwhile, I'm driving myself nuts with a large selection of imagined symptoms - so far I've had a shocking headache, bloating, a tight uterus, minor cramps, increased urination and sore boobs. I'm also seeing signs everywhere I go - it goes without saying that there are, of course, pregnant women everywhere...but more than that - an online friend had her baby on the day that we inseminated and seeing as we're such good friends, it stands to reason that we would have an intense connection like that heh! I'm also having intense dreams...this morning, I dreamed that Ducks was getting married, to a man...because her family wanted her to! What does that mean? Am I going to be a single mum?? hehe.

oh dear. I'll stop now.

The bad news is that my wallet and phone were stolen from my bag on the train this morning. I was on my way to a professional development session and seriously engrossed in my book while listening to my iPod. Big mistake on a train at peak hour. (Was it lucky that I had my ipod in my pocket and hence it wasn't stolen...or, were I not listening to the iPod, would I have been paying more attention? I guess we'll never know.)

The good news is that they found my wallet (which I love and was mourning deeply) - of course the money was gone but everything else was still there so at least I don't have to get a new license and all of that nonsense.

The really good (but somewhat expensive) news is that I got a new phone! I love me a new toy. I try so hard to not love stuff so a real reason to get new toys is very exciting to me. Said new phone may just distract me long enough to make it to insemination day!!!

I never did make it to the prof dev session.

28 hours to go.

i think they'd really get to like it if they gave it a chance?

Have I mentioned that I'm an Aries? Well I am. And one of my key Aries traits is my lack of patience. I've been wanting a baby forever and ever and ever. For the last 3 years, I've been serious about wanting a baby and have developed patience that I never thought possible. I have been really waiting for the last 2 years.

This week has been my newest and hardest challenge yet. Waiting to ovulate. Arghhhh. It's killing me. I thought that I had become pretty excellent at this patience thing but I don't know if I can hold out anymore. 2 sleeps until our first insemination. I've already got 3 pregnancy tests waiting for me. It took all my will not to buy more when I was out today. Even though I *know* that it's pointless, I've been peeing on sticks just to make sure I'm not about to ovulate early. (FTR - I have a perfect cycle. I don't ovulate early, I don't bleed late. It's a waste of money to be doing this. I *know*.)

Meanwhile, I'm drinking my green tea, taking my evening primrose oil, drinking plenty of water and chugging back my pregnancy multi's like it were a religion. There is no way that my fertility won't be in pristine condition come insemination day.

About 55 hours to go!!!

Look what arrived in the mail today!! 10 specimen cups and 10 syringes (5ml). No prizes for guessing what they're for.

Let's just hope that 10 is more than we'll ever need! This time next week we'll have just done the first insemination. eeeek!!!

Ducks is my gorgeous partner. She doesn't really look anything like the duck on the right here but she does agree that that's a lovely image. I'd love it if she would get into blogging too but I think it's going to take a bit of convincing. In lieu of a proper introduction, or even an appearance from Ducks, let me tell you that she is one hell of a person. She's a wonderful partner and one of the most generous people you'll ever meet. I love her and I can't wait to share motherhood with her.

I am a city girl. The thought of having to live in the suburbs really does make me shudder. The thought of having to live in the country truly scares me. One day, I may come to a place in my life where a nice piece of land in the bush is an attractive option but for now, it's great to visit and even better to come home.

How cool would it be to live in the urban centre of city of 4million people and still be only a 5 minute walk from the most amazing living urban/rural retreat in the whole world?!! We do!!!!

Imagine a place with no cars, a huge community garden, a market garden, an urban orchard, an indigenous and permaculture plant nursery, an organic produce market, a great cafe, a sustainability centre, an eco house, an Aboriginal, an Indonesian and an African educational village and a million other community and environmental initiatives...Imagine! Imagine having lived less than a kilometre from such a place for many years and having only had the epiphany about how very cool it is two days ago. Imagine taking such a place for granted!!

I have a confession to make. I have lived 5 minutes from this place for the last 6 years and though I have appreciated it at times, I've mostly taken it for granted. No longer! I am so lucky to live where I live and everyday I am more confident and more secure in my decision to stay here.

Our donor and his partner came for lunch yesterday. They are so wonderful and agreeable and relaxed and sweet and generous about this whole affair. I really can't believe how lucky we got. Everytime we ask something new of them, they graciously agree. Yesterday, I presented them with the draft donor agreement. I told them to take a few days to ponder over it and make any changes they wanted to. 3 hours later, they'd agreed to everything without changing a thing. I thanked them for making everything seem so easy. They replied 'it is easy!'

I guess it's lucky that they think it's easy because I surely have enough neurosis and paranoia for all of us!

We moved into our house a month ago and everyday so far I have felt overwhelmed with gratitude everytime I've walked out the front door and again, each time I've walked in.

Home has been the subject of much review for us this year. We live in an inner urban area, rich with diversity, plenty of lesbian parented families and it's accessible to everything we could possibly need. We adore our suburb. Our close friends all live within a 5km radius and it takes us 15 minutes on the tram to get to the city centre (or 5 minutes in the car when there is no traffic). We have lived in this area for many years. Long before we were a couple, we independently moved in as poor students - back in the day when a room in a terrace house only cost $50 a week. These days, the same room is likely to cost $150 and no doubt the damp carpet and mouldy walls have only gotten worse.

As happens with inner city locales everywhere, eventually, people catch on. Earlier this year, our landlord caught on too and raised our rent by 30%. Gentrification is sweeping through our little migrant, student, hippie village. We mightn't have minded the rise so much if the landlord had shown any commitment to maintaining the house, but as it was, it was falling down. The floors needed replacing, the walls needed plastering and the kitchen left a hell of a lot to be desired. We simply weren't prepared to pay that much extra rent for a sh*thole. And so we made the decision to move.

Problem was, rental properties are scarce at the moment and ours wasn't the only house with a ridiculous rent rise. To cut a long story short, we pained over what to do about our housing situation. We toyed with buying a place (with HUGE help from my Mum) but it wasn't realistic, nor what we really wanted. We even talked {seriously} about moving to the suburbs where we could afford a great house with plenty of space for lots of kiddos. But, after months of painful looking and pondering we have found ourselves 500 metres from our old house - same suburb, 70% more rent than we were previously paying and 100% better house. And we couldn't be happier!

For us, the financial sacrifice to remain in our urban village is nothing compared to the benefits of living here. I can't wait to have kids here!!

The good news is that I'm a few days off my last period before TTC. This could potentially be my last period for at least a year! The bad news - I am in a foul mood. I was horrible at work today. My closest co-worker drove me nuts all day long. She kept trying to cheer me up. She only made it worse. By the end of a day I was truly experiencing rage.

I'm home now, the rage has passed but I'm just a giant misery-guts now. Ducks is cuddling on the couch with our poor little kitty who was in a serious fight today. I'm trying to be a grown up about it. Kitty is hurt and scared. I am just a pms'ing sooky-laa. But I want cuddles too. wah.

14-16 days until insem #1.