PLUMP

Like I'm not neurotic enough... An entire website and message board dedicated to the two week wait. oh dear.

Until last night, I had no idea that i could stalk my readership. I thought sitemeter was great just because it enabled me to see my numbers. Upon stalking my readers, I see that my humble blog is linked in blogs I didn't even know existed. I've gotta get better at negotiating the blog universe, I see that now. And I will, I'm sure - it's just going to take more dedication than I first thought.

In the meantime, say hi to me and tell me about your blog. And if you don't have a blog, tell me about yourself...

A bit of analysis, a huge amount of physical pain, bleeding as though I've been sliced open and an extremely tired and hormonal me suggests that perhaps I had a chemical pregnancy. If not, something else has thrown my thyroid way out of whack again and I feel (and look) like shit. I've barely been able to keep my eyes open since Sunday, I'm all puffy and my psoriasis has flared up big-time. I've thrown some extra vitamins into my ridiculous thyroid regime and am really hoping they'll get me back on track fast. At the moment though, the countdown to Christmas is travelling at snails pace. Bring on my 3 weeks annual leave!

Ducks put in her resignation and despite a fear it would lead them to treat her even worse than they had previously, it's resulted in just the opposite. They were genuinely disappointed and begged her to stick around until they find someone to replace her in the new year. She's still taking 3 weeks leave over Christmas/New Year with me but she'll go back part time after that until they find her replacement. Meanwhile, they've started making comments that suggests they're regretful of the bad treatment they've given her. Which is good on one level and appalling that they are aware of their behaviour and still let it happen, on another. I know she's not thrilled about going back in the new year but I'm happy to have the assured income because I'm a little bit freaked out about the money situation.

And I had my interview for Naturopathy on Monday - it was great and they offered me a place on-the-spot. Now I just have to decide if I really want to do it. But that's a discussion for another day.

Ducks has just left for work. Today, she's handing in her 4 weeks notice. I wrote her a great resignation letter last night. She won't be returning to that workplace after Christmas. Aside from having to put up with some of the most power hungry bosses in the world, Ducks has realised that working in a small studio environment (she's a graphic designer) is not for her. Before she took this job she was making reasonable money doing freelance work and she was really happy. So, unless an AMAZING dream job comes up she's going back to freelance and she's going to work HARD at building up a great business and generating a solid income. It's a risky decision considering that a baby is on the near horizon but she was so miserable - no money or job security is worth that. And since she made the decision, she's a new person. She's so much more available and so much more excited about babymaking. I'm really happy for her and for us.

And I have my interview for naturopathy today. And we have a new government. It really is the dawning of a new day here at camp plump!

I am running off to drop a friend at the airport but I just had to take a quick opportunity to say HE'S GONE! Midway through the Women's Circus performance last night the MC announced his downfall and the room erupted in cheers and screams. It was a wonderful energy and an amazing way to hear the fantastic news.

And because I wasn't pregnant, I got to celebrate over a couple of glasses of red which was rather a treat. Today is a great day!

I'm bleeding. And relieved. Poor Ducks seems really disappointed. She's made some big life decisions (about which I'll tell you another time) this weekend that have really put her in a great head space for baby making.

For now, I'm happy to be out of limbo and thankful that I can step away from googling all my imaginary symptoms AND that it's only 2 weeks until we can do this all again.

Still no blood though I'm convinced it'll be here anytime now. I'm feeling a bit crampy and going to the toilet every 5 minutes. Poor Ducks, who I earlier accused of not being invested enough in this TTC caper is now on edge and asking me every half hour if I have 'any news.'

On the off chance that I am pregnant, the chance of the pregnancy remaining viable is pretty slim. From what I can figure (thanks google), the later that implantation occurs, the more likely you are to have a miscarriage. My hypothetical implantation would have been around day 12 which gives me an 85% chance of losing the pregnancy so I'm really trying not to get excited on any level.

Not long now until the election results start rolling in. I'm getting nervous now. Please tell me that the polls cannot be that wrong??

You can imagine what's going on in my head now that it's been more than 24 hours since the cramps and spotting came and went...and still no period. I don't want to be having these thoughts. It's 14dpo. But maybe it's only 13dpo. I did seem to have EWCM for a really long time this month - I certainly still had it on the day after I thought that I'd ovulated. And the acupuncture I had would have assisted implantation....

This is so not fun. I'm sure I will have streaming blood before the day is out.

The upside is that John Howard is leaving today! WooHoo. And, if I get my period, I will soooo be having a glass of wine or 3 to celebrate the mans demise. And we're going to see the Women's Circus tonight. Life may be a little torturous right now, but it really ain't all that bad.

Negative on the super sensitive HPT and now cramps and spotting. I think we can officially say I'm out. I'm not super devastated but I sure am pre-menstrual and teary.

I am officially not coping. I have bad nausea and if I'm not nauseous I have horrible reflux. My boobs are the size of watermelons. I'm really absent minded. I'm teary. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I have completely lost my zen and my imaginary symptoms are rife. Oh dear. I'm going to try and hold out from testing until Saturday - which is when I think my period may come.

I've got an acupuncture appointment this afternoon. God I hope it helps.

Wish me luck.

Can anyone tell me how to quote this properly - I've seen other bloggers paste online articles into the body of their blog with much greater success than this!

We could go down in history as greedy, gullible, mean-spirited,
selfish, short-sighted and tight-fisted, writes Catherine Deveny.

WHEN you find yourself at the ballot box on Saturday, remember, my
friends, that this is a rare opportunity to make a difference to the soul of
Australia.

Our participation in public life is limited to five minutes every three
years and an election like this only comes about once in a lifetime. In four
days you will have an impact on the history and the direction of our country.
Your vote will affect people who haven't even been born yet. You'll have an
opportunity to stand up and say, "We're better than this." Braver than this.
Smarter than this. And more compassionate than this. And bigger than this. We
are not afraid of the future. We are shamed by our recent past. But united by
the possibility of the future. And hope.

This election is an intelligence test. A test to prove we can see past the spin, the dog whistles, the short-sighted rhetoric, the scare campaigns, the pork-barrelling and the fearmongering. A test to show that we are smarter than the Government gives us credit for.

If we do not seize this opportunity for change we will go down in
history as the most greedy, gullible, mean-spirited, selfish, short-sighted,
tight-fisted generation in the history of Australia. How will it feel sitting in
front of that $5000 plasma TV watching reruns of American reality shows, wearing
clothes manufactured in a sweat shop and sitting on a sofa made by Third World
slaves? How will that feel when our public education and hospitals have been
gutted and our environment corroded to a point of no return? How will it feel
knowing we have turned our back on people who need us most: the poor, the
broken, the scared, the sick, the elderly and the vulnerable? How will it feel
when you turn to your children and say, "I believed him"?

On Saturday, you can prove that what is in your heart and on your
conscience is more important than what's in your hip pocket. You'll be able to
say to your grandchildren that you voted for better. You voted for truth. You
voted for imagination. You voted for all of us, not just for the white
middle-class working families who have never had it so good.

Our family has never been better off because we are one of those white
middle-class working families.

But not all of us are working. We are not all white. We do not all
speak English. We are not all heterosexual. And we are not all families. But we
all deserve a life of dignity, peace and fairness.

I don't have to imagine how it feels to be an outsider. I know. I know how it feels to be a child and have our home sold from under us. I know how it feels to live with parents crushed by poverty and paralysed by hopelessness. I know how it feels when you can't afford to go to camp and instead have to wave the bus goodbye. I know how it feels to know that you are poor.
But like many people from the working classes, I also know how it feels to be given a chance. And the thrill of achievement beyond your wildest expectations. To live the better life for which our families courageously fled poverty, war, persecution and famine.

Opportunity is created only through vision, tolerance, acceptance and imagination. I was the first person in my family to graduate from university. And many have followed since. At the time it seemed as though the club was being dismantled, but this Government has almost finished building a new clubhouse. And this one is surrounded by razor wire, security guards and X-ray machines.

This election is a gift. Look back at the past 11 years and imagine the next decade as more of the same. The divides becoming wider, the damage becoming irreversible and the lies and deceit in politics becoming normal.

On Saturday you will have a rare opportunity to prove to our past, to our present and to our future that we are better than this. And we are not stupid enough to swallow the short way round but the long way home. At my grade 6 graduation, I stood side by side with Greeks, Yugoslavs, Macedonians, Poles, Italians and Maltese and we sang: "I'm as Greek as a Souvlaki, I'm as Irish as a stew, I'm as Italian as spaghetti, I'm as Danish as a blue, I'm as German as a dumpling, Middle Eastern as a lamb. I'm an Aussie, yes I'm an Aussie, yes I am." And we believed it.

Over the past 11 years, I have lost faith in the Australian people.
I've felt shame at the spin they have swallowed, the politicians they have
believed and the values they have embraced. I'm horrified at how politicians
have chosen to lead our country using fear over faith, greed over bounty and us
and them over we. I just hope I am not alone. There's plenty for all of
us.

I don't have to imagine how it feels to be an outsider. I know. I know
how it feels to be a child and have our home sold from under us. I know how it
feels to live with parents crushed by poverty and paralysed by hopelessness. I
know how it feels when you can't afford to go to camp and instead have to wave
the bus goodbye. I know how it feels to know that you are poor.
But like many people from the working classes, I also know how it feels to be given a chance. And the thrill of achievement beyond your wildest expectations. To live the
better life for which our families courageously fled poverty, war, persecution
and famine.

Opportunity is created only through vision, tolerance, acceptance and imagination. I was the first person in my family to graduate from university. And many have followed since. At the time it seemed as though the club was being dismantled, but this Government has almost finished building a new clubhouse. And this one is surrounded by razor wire, security guards and X-ray machines.

This election is a gift. Look back at the past 11 years and imagine the
next decade as more of the same. The divides becoming wider, the damage becoming
irreversible and the lies and deceit in politics becoming normal.

On Saturday you will have a rare opportunity to prove to our past, to
our present and to our future that we are better than this. And we are not
stupid enough to swallow the short way round but the long way home. At my grade
6 graduation, I stood side by side with Greeks, Yugoslavs, Macedonians, Poles,
Italians and Maltese and we sang: "I'm as Greek as a Souvlaki, I'm as Irish as a
stew, I'm as Italian as spaghetti, I'm as Danish as a blue, I'm as German as a
dumpling, Middle Eastern as a lamb. I'm an Aussie, yes I'm an Aussie, yes I
am." And we believed it.

Over the past 11 years, I have lost faith in the Australian people.
I've felt shame at the spin they have swallowed, the politicians they have
believed and the values they have embraced. I'm horrified at how politicians
have chosen to lead our country using fear over faith, greed over bounty and us
and them over we. I just hope I am not alone. There's plenty for all of
us.

The Age - 21st November '07

I'm sure I'm not the only Melbourne blogger who'll make reference to the heat in their blog entries this week. It's hot here. The temperature has been in the high 30's for the last couple of days (that's about 100 Fahrenheit). Typically, this kind of weather is reserved for January and February. That it's this hot now doesn't bode well for the rest of summer. I'm choosing to look at this though in a positive light. I think it may be a sign.

This week is going to go down in history as a memorable one. It's election week in Australia - we're all gearing up to go to the polls on Saturday and it looks like this nutjob may finally be booted out after 11 of the most regressive years in our history. I'm not holding out for any major progressive change when the ALP take reign but it's gotta do something for the psyche of the country to no longer have to look at John Howard. What I'm really holding out for is the Greens gaining a couple of Senate seats and gaining the balance of power. And, it looks like it might actually be possible. Now THAT would be good for the psyche of the country.

And, it might be the heat, or it could be that testing earlier on has intensified my obsessing but I am so having twinges in my uterus and my boobs are HUGE and sore.

Imagine if Howard lost and I got a BFP this week. It's possible. :-)

It was the dreams fault. I swear. I had such a baby anxiety dream last night that I was utterly COMPELLED to test when I woke up this morning. It was a BFN, of course. It's only 10dpo and if my cycle is indeed permanently longer now, then I'm still more than 5 days away from my period.

So, in the dream I was looking after someone else's newborn but couldn't seem to manage his weight. I kept over balancing and almost dropping him. I don't think it takes a genius to find the symbolism in that but I'm taking it as a good thing that I never actually dropped him.

I've made it to 8dpo without having too much nut-casery. I've had an uber stressful week at work culminating in our AGM and annual lunch/celebration day for our members yesterday . Thank the stars that's over now.

Anyway, the upside of the stressful week is that I've been relatively distracted from pregnancy obsession....

....humour me, nonetheless, about signs that I could possibly be pregnant
1.) Perfectly fresh chicken smells rotten to me - this usually happens to me a few days before AF is due - never usually 10 days before.

2.) I am exhausted to the point of not being able to function properly. I cannot tell you how much I have forgotten this week...and yesterday I smashed one of our big rice jars AND 2 cups, all in separate events. This exhaustion comes after 2 or 3 weeks of feeling the best I have in a LONG time.

3.) My boobs were incredibly painful for 5 minutes a couple of days ago. Pain to the point of distraction.

Anyway - I just thought I'd get this out there so that I could let it go and avoid the temptation of obsessing. I'm not really hung up on these imagined symptoms, honestly.

5dpo and still feeling very normal. My boobs hurt for 5 minutes yesterday and I did a very good job of talking myself out of it.

And that's about all I have to report. I'm trying super hard not to think about it and judging by my lack of anything to say, I'm doing pretty well.

Despite Ducks thinking that I'm talking, wishing, thinking, hoping too much about the possibility of pregnancy, I'm actually doing really well with the wait so far. Granted I'm only 2dpo but I'm definitely feeling decidedly more sane than at the same time in the last 2ww. Surely the fact that I haven't imagined a single symptom yet speaks volumes.

I think my sanity is helped by the fact that I'm distracted by my career crisis which, is no longer a crisis... I think I've made the decision to enrol in a Bachelor of Health Science (Naturopathy). I went to an open day and info session at the school I want to go to and it got me very excited. They really managed to ease most of my anxieties and assured me that everyone has panic attacks about the chemistry subjects! They're also really flexible and happy to have people move between full and part time which is what I'll have to do.

I'm so excited. It really feels like everything is falling into place. I know this thyroid thing is not the biggest drama in the world but it's really helped me put my life into perspective and sort my priorities out. I'm so thrilled it all happened!

So, if I were to conceive this cycle, my due date would be August 2nd and the bub would be a Leo. I think I could be very happy with that scenario.

Not that I'm buying into any of the obsessive nut-casery this time around! I just thought you might be interested.

We did our second insem this morning with the OPK still firmly positive. This was the first time we have done a morning spermination and I have to say, I think it's my preference. It may be the fact that it is a picture perfect day today, or perhaps that at 8am on a Saturday there is no traffic to interrupt our mad dash home with the goods - whatever it is, I feel great about this try. After the deed was done, we laid on the bed for an hour reading the weekend papers with the sun streaming in the window. It felt perfect.

Here's hoping for a seamless and not-too-neurotic 2ww!

Swim little swimmers, swim!

Test results were near perfect. Sperminated late last night and will again after work today.

eeks. I'm back on the train!!!

OPK+
Plenty of EWCM
Donor on call

On my way out to get my blood test results. Fingers and toes crossed!

Ducks and I successfully blew $35 on the Melbourne Cup today. Ducks usually has this uncanny knack of picking the winner but it seemed to escape her today. We did however have a lovely day with yummy brunch, lazing (and walking) by the river and white wine so, despite the lunacy of a day off for a horse race, we were very pleased for the public holiday bestowed on us.

And, to let you in on a little secret, we actually both had Monday off too which means that we had a 4 day weekend. The great beauty of this is that we go back to work tomorrow and 3 days later, it will be the weekend again!!! And even better than that is that there are only 2 sleeps until I get my blood test results!

How does a week fly by like that? I'm shocked that it's been a week since I last blogged.

Anyway, I've just come back from the pathologist - had a stack of blood drawn to re-check my thyroid levels and am hoping the news is great. I'm certainly feeling a whole lot better. I definitely have the increase in energy and positive outlook I was hoping for. I've even been walking home from work (6km, takes about an hour) most evenings which I would never have been able to do even a month ago.

The real reason I'm hoping my thyroid levels have clearly improved is that I'm about to ovulate. My appointment to get my results is on Thursday and I'm expecting to ovulate on Friday. I won't insem if my levels haven't vastly improved, but if they have, I'll be going straight from the doctors surgery to donors house with a specimen cup in hand! And then I'll be back for another donation first thing the next morning.

I can't wait to be back on the merry-go-round of ttc neurosis!

Oh, and Barb - I totally caved and had way more than 2 pieces of pizza (more like 4 or 5!) and it was great!!! but I totally paid for it the next day when I looked 6 months pregnant and felt gross for 24 hours!