PLUMP

5.30pm on New Years Eve and it's 42 degrees here (107.6 F). The cats are trying to kill each other, the dog is spread flat on the floorboards and we have spent the majority of the day trying to beat the heat. This morning we went to the beach and lasted 20 minutes before we started to fry. This afternoon we managed several hours of respite as we treated ourselves to AC heaven and saw The Darjeeling Limited.

Clearly not a party night for us, we're throwing together a salad and dashing to dinner with friends who have a fully air conditioned house. We may stay there until the cool change comes through... if you don't hear from me for a few days it's because it's still hot!

Happy new year all! May 2008 bring lots of love and luck and babydust.

PS - I still have to tell you all about my Christmas presents!

It's 9.30 on Christmas night here and while the unlimited wine over the last 3 days has been wonderful, I'm so glad that it's over.

I feel like I've been drinking for weeks. And now I'm ready for a years worth of sobriety. Pregnancy would be well timed right now because I can honestly say that I will not be missing alcohol for quite some time.

Laden with very generous gift vouchers, Ducks and I are going to brave the Boxing Day sales in the morning. I wonder if I'll still be sworn off alcohol by the end of the shopping mania??

1 xmas down, 2 to go. I haven't fallen in a heap after the traumatic doc visit last week - I've been totally consumed by xmas.

We hosted Ducks family Christmas yesterday and it was wonderful. I was really really organised and it went off without a hitch. Ducks got the espresso machine she's been hassling me for forever and she's in heaven!

Tonight we have dinner with my Dad and tomorrow my Mum and co. are coming to us.

Thanks everyone for your support and loving words following my little breakdown. I'm planning the letter in my head and will post it here once it's written...

It finally happened. I have thus far avoided any major hysteria with the onset of my period but after my morning, I was that girl, sitting in the car in bumper-to-bumper traffic, crying buckets, trying to catch her breath and hoping no one would notice that she could barely see through her tears.

The trigger...my doctor, when discussing my cycle and my donor said "why don't you consider having sex with your donor?" I am oscillating between rage and disbelief. This was THE doctor I had been looking for all my life. A woman GP who prioritises holistic and nutritional medicine, someone who self identifies as a feminist and is queer friendly...or so I thought. arghhh.

Did I mention that she was not at all warm and made me feel stupid for questioning my weird temps too?

I will not be seeing her again. But I will be writing to her and her practice about her inappropriate, homophobic behaviour. I'm livd. And really really disappointed.

There's a pattern running here. I feel pathetic and certain I'm not pregnant, I blog. You all tell me that this is tough stuff and reassure me that everyone's on my side. A couple of days later, I start to feel ok and I blog about it. The next day, I bleed.

Woke up with a temp drop, cramps and spotting this morning. Looks like there won't be a BFP for me this Christmas. At least I didn't waste any money on tests this month.

I just happen to have a doctors appointment this morning. I'm going to show her my chart and ask about progesterone? I dunno - but it might help.

No insems in January - our lovely donor doesn't get back from his trip West until the day after I'm due to ovulate.

Boo.

I finished work today! woohoo! I don't go back until Jan 15. That's almost a whole month - I'm so excited. I've still got a few shifts that I promised to work in Ducks' parents cafe but by Sunday, I'll be completely free for 3 weeks. Life's good.

10dpo here and my temp is high and steady. I'm not getting excited, but I'm no longer the pathetic thing curled up in the corner. I must say, I'm particularly proud that I haven't caved and tested, nor even really been tempted. Test day is Saturday. That's only 3 sleeps. I'm totally going to make it! :-)

Thanks to everyone for your warmth and your loving, supportive words. They really mean something and definitely help!

Not quite as psychopathic today. My temperature is back up to its highest peak. It's such a tease. I wish I could work it out. I think I've got some slight cramping in my uterus but I'm not convinced that it's not imaginary or period pain. My period is due on Friday, I think.

More Christmas drinks on tonight but this time, I'm content with sticking to water. (It's so much easier not to drink when you actually enjoy the company of the people you are with!)

Am at work so should do some in order to avoid working over my break.

I know I'm one of the lucky ones. I've only been trying for 3 cycles. I'm not being treated for infertility. Our cycles don't cost us much because we are using a known donor. But it's still hard and I don't know what to do to make it any easier.

I am in a stir today. My temperature has taken a serious nose dive. There is cat fur on everything I want to wear. Ducks took the car to work and I'm feeling too lazy to catch public transport to get to anywhere I need to go. I should be doing some work but I can't muster the motivation. I need to start preparing some of the Christmas food but can't be assed.

In short, I've convinced myself that I'm not pregnant and it's got me feeling this hybrid emotion of sadness and rage.

It's only 8dpo. How do I move past this?

Oh, and for what it's worth, I did have that glass of wine yesterday and seeing as I'm in a self deprecating kind of mood, I'm sure that drinking it has ruined every chance of making this cycle a positive one.

No one could ever accuse me of being a drama queen. no.

Ok. Last nights post may have been a bit premature and pessimistic. I woke up this morning with pains in my uterus and a big rise in my temperature. I've now moved from not even thinking about testing to wanting to test today at 7/8dpo. I'm dropping our donor and his lovely partner at the airport on Friday night and I'm having fantasies about telling them I'm pregnant before they jump on the plane. What fun that would be!

The amazing news that I forgot to report yesterday in my gloomy state is that the laws here are changing!!! DP will now be recognised on the birth certificate as our child's bona fide, legal parent. And we can now access assisted reproductive technology in our own state. There are other amazing things included in the reforms but it is disappointing that they left adoption out altogether. Nonetheless, the laws here have been so backward for so long that it's a great relief to see this progress.

We're off to Ducks Christmas lunch at the winery today. I had a couple of drinks the other night and felt ok about it, but now that I'm having imaginary symptoms, I'm not so sure about that glass of wine... I think I'll google on that!

I really don't think that this is the month. I cannot even manage to fantasize about the possibility of a positive test which is very strange indeed. No twinges or pains, no skin break outs, no increased sense of smell. Nope, nothing. I know it's still early days, but I just have a feeling.

No need for me to worry about a torturous 2ww. I have PLENTY to do to keep me distracted and neurotic and none of it has to do with potential pregnancy. I got a call from my Mum last night saying that she was not up to putting any effort into Christmas this year. She battles with her mental health and she's not doing too well right now. Bearing in mind that I've offered numerous times to host Christmas previously and she wouldn't hear of moving it from her house, I'm a little bit pissed off and not feeling very sympathetic of her. Nonetheless, Christmas is now at our house. I know this will actually make for a more enjoyable day - as Mum is a nutcase when she entertains and her stress levels make it uncomfortable for everyone - but the planning leading up is going to be a killer. And expensive and completely unbudgeted (yes I made up a word) for. eek. Ducks and I were planning on buying a Digital SLR camera for ourselves for Christmas but it's looking further and further out of reach.

In other news, I'm going to a planning meeting for a Valentines Weekend production of The Vagina Monologues tonight. I used to be really into theatre - I did drama right through school but have really haven't nurtured that side of myself since then. I'm looking forward to it with some gentle trepidation. I haven't decided if I want to perform or just be part of the production theme but either way, I think it'll be really good for me.

3 or 4 dpo and doing fine. Am having some acupuncture for implantation this afternoon and really looking forward to it.

So, two insems down (we did our second one yesterday morning) and now I'm freaking out about timing. I think I should be 1dpo but my temps have not yet risen and I'm still testing positive on OPK's and have been since Thursday. My CM is tending toward sticky and tacky now. (TMI apologies) I really hate this timing thing. If my partner were a man, I'd just be having s*x everyday for a 10 day period - sure, the s*x may become a chore but it couldn't be nearly as anxiety ridden as having 2 tiny windows of opportunity per month and spending 2 weeks worried that you didn't get it right. Short of falling pregnant though, how can we ever know if we got it right?

The fortunate thing about this 2ww is that these are two of the busiest weeks in the whole year. I have Christmas drinks, a pile of work and dinners aplenty to distract me from my obsessive neurosis. Not to mention a family Christmas to plan and cater for. The down side of course is that I can't drink at any of these events. This is a particularly big disappointment as Ducks' work Christmas celebration is a lunch at the most exquisite winery in the region. Small sacrifices I guess and perhaps I could have just one drink!?

On a completely different note, do you think I should be concerned that someone found this blog by goggling 'plump torture'? What do you suppose they were actually looking for?? Ducks thinks it's hilarious! I'm not so sure...

Our donor is set to go and spermination is scheduled for 8pm tonight. I'm pretty thrilled that my perfect 28 day cycle seems to be back!

Once again, at the beginning of the process, I'm feeling relatively zen about it all. Last night, Ducks and I even discussed the possibility of not insem'ing this month and I didn't freak out at all. I think I'm getting a bit closer to believing it will happen when it's meant to.

But a Christmas BFP would be a lovely gift...

Yay for Christmas season. Let me state at the outset that I'm not a Christian. Actually, I do my best to be a good atheist but on most days you can find me firmly planted in the agnosticism camp. I don't usually get into the Christmas thing. I mean, I love Christmas Day and all but it always feels like such a stress to get to that point. Most years, we have to coordinate 4 families - sometimes all in one day - usually all within 48hours. Other years we have travelled overseas with an intentional departure date of Christmas Eve just so we could avoid the drama of family Christmas.

Perhaps it's the prospect that we will soon have our own little family, but for some reason, I'm into Christmas this year. For the first time, we will be hosting Ducks' immediate family - happily on the Sunday before Christmas - for their annual soirée. I'm cautiously excited.

Yesterday we went shopping and bought decorations for the tree (which we'll buy next weekend) and got almost half of our gift-buying out of the way. It was exhausting and Ducks and I had a few minor disputes over my insistence of a red and silver theme (for the decs, not the gifts) but it was fun and I'm enjoying being part of the Christmas cheer.

Today, I'm thinking about our menu. A flourless orange cakes and plum pudding ice cream is definitely on the menu. So too is a cajun chicken salad. And a calamari salad. Beyond that, no decisions have been made but I'm looking forward to sitting down with a pile of cookbooks and magazines and getting inspired. My biggest criteria are that it must be impressive, easy and appropriate for HOT weather. Barbecue-able would be a bonus. Any thoughts or ideas?

Like I'm not neurotic enough... An entire website and message board dedicated to the two week wait. oh dear.

Until last night, I had no idea that i could stalk my readership. I thought sitemeter was great just because it enabled me to see my numbers. Upon stalking my readers, I see that my humble blog is linked in blogs I didn't even know existed. I've gotta get better at negotiating the blog universe, I see that now. And I will, I'm sure - it's just going to take more dedication than I first thought.

In the meantime, say hi to me and tell me about your blog. And if you don't have a blog, tell me about yourself...

A bit of analysis, a huge amount of physical pain, bleeding as though I've been sliced open and an extremely tired and hormonal me suggests that perhaps I had a chemical pregnancy. If not, something else has thrown my thyroid way out of whack again and I feel (and look) like shit. I've barely been able to keep my eyes open since Sunday, I'm all puffy and my psoriasis has flared up big-time. I've thrown some extra vitamins into my ridiculous thyroid regime and am really hoping they'll get me back on track fast. At the moment though, the countdown to Christmas is travelling at snails pace. Bring on my 3 weeks annual leave!

Ducks put in her resignation and despite a fear it would lead them to treat her even worse than they had previously, it's resulted in just the opposite. They were genuinely disappointed and begged her to stick around until they find someone to replace her in the new year. She's still taking 3 weeks leave over Christmas/New Year with me but she'll go back part time after that until they find her replacement. Meanwhile, they've started making comments that suggests they're regretful of the bad treatment they've given her. Which is good on one level and appalling that they are aware of their behaviour and still let it happen, on another. I know she's not thrilled about going back in the new year but I'm happy to have the assured income because I'm a little bit freaked out about the money situation.

And I had my interview for Naturopathy on Monday - it was great and they offered me a place on-the-spot. Now I just have to decide if I really want to do it. But that's a discussion for another day.

Ducks has just left for work. Today, she's handing in her 4 weeks notice. I wrote her a great resignation letter last night. She won't be returning to that workplace after Christmas. Aside from having to put up with some of the most power hungry bosses in the world, Ducks has realised that working in a small studio environment (she's a graphic designer) is not for her. Before she took this job she was making reasonable money doing freelance work and she was really happy. So, unless an AMAZING dream job comes up she's going back to freelance and she's going to work HARD at building up a great business and generating a solid income. It's a risky decision considering that a baby is on the near horizon but she was so miserable - no money or job security is worth that. And since she made the decision, she's a new person. She's so much more available and so much more excited about babymaking. I'm really happy for her and for us.

And I have my interview for naturopathy today. And we have a new government. It really is the dawning of a new day here at camp plump!

I am running off to drop a friend at the airport but I just had to take a quick opportunity to say HE'S GONE! Midway through the Women's Circus performance last night the MC announced his downfall and the room erupted in cheers and screams. It was a wonderful energy and an amazing way to hear the fantastic news.

And because I wasn't pregnant, I got to celebrate over a couple of glasses of red which was rather a treat. Today is a great day!

I'm bleeding. And relieved. Poor Ducks seems really disappointed. She's made some big life decisions (about which I'll tell you another time) this weekend that have really put her in a great head space for baby making.

For now, I'm happy to be out of limbo and thankful that I can step away from googling all my imaginary symptoms AND that it's only 2 weeks until we can do this all again.

Still no blood though I'm convinced it'll be here anytime now. I'm feeling a bit crampy and going to the toilet every 5 minutes. Poor Ducks, who I earlier accused of not being invested enough in this TTC caper is now on edge and asking me every half hour if I have 'any news.'

On the off chance that I am pregnant, the chance of the pregnancy remaining viable is pretty slim. From what I can figure (thanks google), the later that implantation occurs, the more likely you are to have a miscarriage. My hypothetical implantation would have been around day 12 which gives me an 85% chance of losing the pregnancy so I'm really trying not to get excited on any level.

Not long now until the election results start rolling in. I'm getting nervous now. Please tell me that the polls cannot be that wrong??

You can imagine what's going on in my head now that it's been more than 24 hours since the cramps and spotting came and went...and still no period. I don't want to be having these thoughts. It's 14dpo. But maybe it's only 13dpo. I did seem to have EWCM for a really long time this month - I certainly still had it on the day after I thought that I'd ovulated. And the acupuncture I had would have assisted implantation....

This is so not fun. I'm sure I will have streaming blood before the day is out.

The upside is that John Howard is leaving today! WooHoo. And, if I get my period, I will soooo be having a glass of wine or 3 to celebrate the mans demise. And we're going to see the Women's Circus tonight. Life may be a little torturous right now, but it really ain't all that bad.

Negative on the super sensitive HPT and now cramps and spotting. I think we can officially say I'm out. I'm not super devastated but I sure am pre-menstrual and teary.

I am officially not coping. I have bad nausea and if I'm not nauseous I have horrible reflux. My boobs are the size of watermelons. I'm really absent minded. I'm teary. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I have completely lost my zen and my imaginary symptoms are rife. Oh dear. I'm going to try and hold out from testing until Saturday - which is when I think my period may come.

I've got an acupuncture appointment this afternoon. God I hope it helps.

Wish me luck.

Can anyone tell me how to quote this properly - I've seen other bloggers paste online articles into the body of their blog with much greater success than this!

We could go down in history as greedy, gullible, mean-spirited,
selfish, short-sighted and tight-fisted, writes Catherine Deveny.

WHEN you find yourself at the ballot box on Saturday, remember, my
friends, that this is a rare opportunity to make a difference to the soul of
Australia.

Our participation in public life is limited to five minutes every three
years and an election like this only comes about once in a lifetime. In four
days you will have an impact on the history and the direction of our country.
Your vote will affect people who haven't even been born yet. You'll have an
opportunity to stand up and say, "We're better than this." Braver than this.
Smarter than this. And more compassionate than this. And bigger than this. We
are not afraid of the future. We are shamed by our recent past. But united by
the possibility of the future. And hope.

This election is an intelligence test. A test to prove we can see past the spin, the dog whistles, the short-sighted rhetoric, the scare campaigns, the pork-barrelling and the fearmongering. A test to show that we are smarter than the Government gives us credit for.

If we do not seize this opportunity for change we will go down in
history as the most greedy, gullible, mean-spirited, selfish, short-sighted,
tight-fisted generation in the history of Australia. How will it feel sitting in
front of that $5000 plasma TV watching reruns of American reality shows, wearing
clothes manufactured in a sweat shop and sitting on a sofa made by Third World
slaves? How will that feel when our public education and hospitals have been
gutted and our environment corroded to a point of no return? How will it feel
knowing we have turned our back on people who need us most: the poor, the
broken, the scared, the sick, the elderly and the vulnerable? How will it feel
when you turn to your children and say, "I believed him"?

On Saturday, you can prove that what is in your heart and on your
conscience is more important than what's in your hip pocket. You'll be able to
say to your grandchildren that you voted for better. You voted for truth. You
voted for imagination. You voted for all of us, not just for the white
middle-class working families who have never had it so good.

Our family has never been better off because we are one of those white
middle-class working families.

But not all of us are working. We are not all white. We do not all
speak English. We are not all heterosexual. And we are not all families. But we
all deserve a life of dignity, peace and fairness.

I don't have to imagine how it feels to be an outsider. I know. I know how it feels to be a child and have our home sold from under us. I know how it feels to live with parents crushed by poverty and paralysed by hopelessness. I know how it feels when you can't afford to go to camp and instead have to wave the bus goodbye. I know how it feels to know that you are poor.
But like many people from the working classes, I also know how it feels to be given a chance. And the thrill of achievement beyond your wildest expectations. To live the better life for which our families courageously fled poverty, war, persecution and famine.

Opportunity is created only through vision, tolerance, acceptance and imagination. I was the first person in my family to graduate from university. And many have followed since. At the time it seemed as though the club was being dismantled, but this Government has almost finished building a new clubhouse. And this one is surrounded by razor wire, security guards and X-ray machines.

This election is a gift. Look back at the past 11 years and imagine the next decade as more of the same. The divides becoming wider, the damage becoming irreversible and the lies and deceit in politics becoming normal.

On Saturday you will have a rare opportunity to prove to our past, to our present and to our future that we are better than this. And we are not stupid enough to swallow the short way round but the long way home. At my grade 6 graduation, I stood side by side with Greeks, Yugoslavs, Macedonians, Poles, Italians and Maltese and we sang: "I'm as Greek as a Souvlaki, I'm as Irish as a stew, I'm as Italian as spaghetti, I'm as Danish as a blue, I'm as German as a dumpling, Middle Eastern as a lamb. I'm an Aussie, yes I'm an Aussie, yes I am." And we believed it.

Over the past 11 years, I have lost faith in the Australian people.
I've felt shame at the spin they have swallowed, the politicians they have
believed and the values they have embraced. I'm horrified at how politicians
have chosen to lead our country using fear over faith, greed over bounty and us
and them over we. I just hope I am not alone. There's plenty for all of
us.

I don't have to imagine how it feels to be an outsider. I know. I know
how it feels to be a child and have our home sold from under us. I know how it
feels to live with parents crushed by poverty and paralysed by hopelessness. I
know how it feels when you can't afford to go to camp and instead have to wave
the bus goodbye. I know how it feels to know that you are poor.
But like many people from the working classes, I also know how it feels to be given a chance. And the thrill of achievement beyond your wildest expectations. To live the
better life for which our families courageously fled poverty, war, persecution
and famine.

Opportunity is created only through vision, tolerance, acceptance and imagination. I was the first person in my family to graduate from university. And many have followed since. At the time it seemed as though the club was being dismantled, but this Government has almost finished building a new clubhouse. And this one is surrounded by razor wire, security guards and X-ray machines.

This election is a gift. Look back at the past 11 years and imagine the
next decade as more of the same. The divides becoming wider, the damage becoming
irreversible and the lies and deceit in politics becoming normal.

On Saturday you will have a rare opportunity to prove to our past, to
our present and to our future that we are better than this. And we are not
stupid enough to swallow the short way round but the long way home. At my grade
6 graduation, I stood side by side with Greeks, Yugoslavs, Macedonians, Poles,
Italians and Maltese and we sang: "I'm as Greek as a Souvlaki, I'm as Irish as a
stew, I'm as Italian as spaghetti, I'm as Danish as a blue, I'm as German as a
dumpling, Middle Eastern as a lamb. I'm an Aussie, yes I'm an Aussie, yes I
am." And we believed it.

Over the past 11 years, I have lost faith in the Australian people.
I've felt shame at the spin they have swallowed, the politicians they have
believed and the values they have embraced. I'm horrified at how politicians
have chosen to lead our country using fear over faith, greed over bounty and us
and them over we. I just hope I am not alone. There's plenty for all of
us.

The Age - 21st November '07

I'm sure I'm not the only Melbourne blogger who'll make reference to the heat in their blog entries this week. It's hot here. The temperature has been in the high 30's for the last couple of days (that's about 100 Fahrenheit). Typically, this kind of weather is reserved for January and February. That it's this hot now doesn't bode well for the rest of summer. I'm choosing to look at this though in a positive light. I think it may be a sign.

This week is going to go down in history as a memorable one. It's election week in Australia - we're all gearing up to go to the polls on Saturday and it looks like this nutjob may finally be booted out after 11 of the most regressive years in our history. I'm not holding out for any major progressive change when the ALP take reign but it's gotta do something for the psyche of the country to no longer have to look at John Howard. What I'm really holding out for is the Greens gaining a couple of Senate seats and gaining the balance of power. And, it looks like it might actually be possible. Now THAT would be good for the psyche of the country.

And, it might be the heat, or it could be that testing earlier on has intensified my obsessing but I am so having twinges in my uterus and my boobs are HUGE and sore.

Imagine if Howard lost and I got a BFP this week. It's possible. :-)

It was the dreams fault. I swear. I had such a baby anxiety dream last night that I was utterly COMPELLED to test when I woke up this morning. It was a BFN, of course. It's only 10dpo and if my cycle is indeed permanently longer now, then I'm still more than 5 days away from my period.

So, in the dream I was looking after someone else's newborn but couldn't seem to manage his weight. I kept over balancing and almost dropping him. I don't think it takes a genius to find the symbolism in that but I'm taking it as a good thing that I never actually dropped him.

I've made it to 8dpo without having too much nut-casery. I've had an uber stressful week at work culminating in our AGM and annual lunch/celebration day for our members yesterday . Thank the stars that's over now.

Anyway, the upside of the stressful week is that I've been relatively distracted from pregnancy obsession....

....humour me, nonetheless, about signs that I could possibly be pregnant
1.) Perfectly fresh chicken smells rotten to me - this usually happens to me a few days before AF is due - never usually 10 days before.

2.) I am exhausted to the point of not being able to function properly. I cannot tell you how much I have forgotten this week...and yesterday I smashed one of our big rice jars AND 2 cups, all in separate events. This exhaustion comes after 2 or 3 weeks of feeling the best I have in a LONG time.

3.) My boobs were incredibly painful for 5 minutes a couple of days ago. Pain to the point of distraction.

Anyway - I just thought I'd get this out there so that I could let it go and avoid the temptation of obsessing. I'm not really hung up on these imagined symptoms, honestly.

5dpo and still feeling very normal. My boobs hurt for 5 minutes yesterday and I did a very good job of talking myself out of it.

And that's about all I have to report. I'm trying super hard not to think about it and judging by my lack of anything to say, I'm doing pretty well.

Despite Ducks thinking that I'm talking, wishing, thinking, hoping too much about the possibility of pregnancy, I'm actually doing really well with the wait so far. Granted I'm only 2dpo but I'm definitely feeling decidedly more sane than at the same time in the last 2ww. Surely the fact that I haven't imagined a single symptom yet speaks volumes.

I think my sanity is helped by the fact that I'm distracted by my career crisis which, is no longer a crisis... I think I've made the decision to enrol in a Bachelor of Health Science (Naturopathy). I went to an open day and info session at the school I want to go to and it got me very excited. They really managed to ease most of my anxieties and assured me that everyone has panic attacks about the chemistry subjects! They're also really flexible and happy to have people move between full and part time which is what I'll have to do.

I'm so excited. It really feels like everything is falling into place. I know this thyroid thing is not the biggest drama in the world but it's really helped me put my life into perspective and sort my priorities out. I'm so thrilled it all happened!

So, if I were to conceive this cycle, my due date would be August 2nd and the bub would be a Leo. I think I could be very happy with that scenario.

Not that I'm buying into any of the obsessive nut-casery this time around! I just thought you might be interested.

We did our second insem this morning with the OPK still firmly positive. This was the first time we have done a morning spermination and I have to say, I think it's my preference. It may be the fact that it is a picture perfect day today, or perhaps that at 8am on a Saturday there is no traffic to interrupt our mad dash home with the goods - whatever it is, I feel great about this try. After the deed was done, we laid on the bed for an hour reading the weekend papers with the sun streaming in the window. It felt perfect.

Here's hoping for a seamless and not-too-neurotic 2ww!

Swim little swimmers, swim!

Test results were near perfect. Sperminated late last night and will again after work today.

eeks. I'm back on the train!!!

OPK+
Plenty of EWCM
Donor on call

On my way out to get my blood test results. Fingers and toes crossed!

Ducks and I successfully blew $35 on the Melbourne Cup today. Ducks usually has this uncanny knack of picking the winner but it seemed to escape her today. We did however have a lovely day with yummy brunch, lazing (and walking) by the river and white wine so, despite the lunacy of a day off for a horse race, we were very pleased for the public holiday bestowed on us.

And, to let you in on a little secret, we actually both had Monday off too which means that we had a 4 day weekend. The great beauty of this is that we go back to work tomorrow and 3 days later, it will be the weekend again!!! And even better than that is that there are only 2 sleeps until I get my blood test results!

How does a week fly by like that? I'm shocked that it's been a week since I last blogged.

Anyway, I've just come back from the pathologist - had a stack of blood drawn to re-check my thyroid levels and am hoping the news is great. I'm certainly feeling a whole lot better. I definitely have the increase in energy and positive outlook I was hoping for. I've even been walking home from work (6km, takes about an hour) most evenings which I would never have been able to do even a month ago.

The real reason I'm hoping my thyroid levels have clearly improved is that I'm about to ovulate. My appointment to get my results is on Thursday and I'm expecting to ovulate on Friday. I won't insem if my levels haven't vastly improved, but if they have, I'll be going straight from the doctors surgery to donors house with a specimen cup in hand! And then I'll be back for another donation first thing the next morning.

I can't wait to be back on the merry-go-round of ttc neurosis!

Oh, and Barb - I totally caved and had way more than 2 pieces of pizza (more like 4 or 5!) and it was great!!! but I totally paid for it the next day when I looked 6 months pregnant and felt gross for 24 hours!

For something completely new, I'm here today to tell you about my latest conundrum. Am I crazy? Probably!!

I've been working in social policy / community development / community organising in some capacity for about 7 years now. After messing around at uni for a couple of years and paying far more attention to activism than academics, I thought I'd hit the jackpot when I realised I could get a degree to become a paid activist.

About 3 years ago I landed my current job which, on paper, I love! It's my dream job. When I look at the employment section of the paper, no other job in my field ever measures up against it. I am, nonetheless, miserable at work. I have been for about 12 months now. At first, I thought my misery/boredom/disengagement was a direct result of my intense baby lust and major desire to hang out at home with a bub for a couple of years. More recently however, I've come to realise that (and it hurts me and my ego to say this,) I'm just not cut out for this kind of work. I'm demoralised. I work toward social justice / social change but in an era so conservative, that all attempts to make change are stymied. Some people can stay inspired and motivated in these conditions but I can't and I'm no longer an effective worker.

Meanwhile, my interest in healthcare and holistic health science has been increasing exponentially in the last few years. At first, I thought I wanted to take my current skills and apply them in a public health setting, but now, I'm thinking of doing a naturopathy degree. I really feel called to it.

If I do this, it'll probably take me the better part of 8 years (the degree is 4 years, full time) because I've gotta fit getting knocked up and parenting in somewhere and will need to do a large chunk of the degree in a part time capacity. I'll probably have to stay in my current job until I give birth too - and maybe even return to it part time, depending on finances after 12 months maternity leave...so this is by no means a quick fix but I think it could be something really good.

I long to work for myself. I'd love to work from home. I'm desperate to set my own hours. A naturopath can do all of those things...and more!

I'm such an Aries though. I want change and newness and excitment all the time. What happens when this isn't new anymore? How do you know when you're making bad decisions? More than loving newness, Aries hate to be wrong. How will I reconcile this if it all goes belly-up??

Anyone?

Isn't this exciting? I have something new to be a neurotic, pain in the ass about! My period is still not here! It's 4 days late now. Is this the drugs? My period is NEVER late. Maybe I'm actually pregnant and my last 2 periods were just a freak of nature. I wander what this will mean for ovulating? Will I ovulate?

Oh what fun...

My bloody period (eek - bad pun, unintended) is late. It is never late. I barely/rarely chart anymore because I know that I bleed and ovulate like clockwork. Stupid thyroid meds. Looks like an insemination in November is gonna cost us a packet in OPK's!!

Last night I dreamed that I had to seek fertility treatment in a clinic. Distressing in itself, because if this was the case, I'd have to go out of state to do it (it's illegal for dykes and single women to reproduce here...) ...But even more distressing was that on the first try, they injected the sperm through my feet!! Weird huh? Freaky even... Needless to say the foot method was unsuccessful and the second time around they put all the right things in all the right places but I woke up before the end of the 2ww!

I'm feeling loads better, thanks mostly to having had a lovely weekend, hanging out with Ducks and spending some low-key time with friends.

I never did make it to the Doctor, rather, I let myself get sucked into cyber world and deciphered that what I was experiencing, was indeed, a thyroid dump. Of course, this could be entirely inaccurate but after a stack of research, I've really come to understand this thyroid madness A LOT better and I'm confident that I'm on track to getting on top of it. It certainly is interesting to note that it's not uncommon for me to have 4 or 5 day periods where I feel generally drained and shitty, physically and emotionally - that there's a reason for it, is somehow vindicating...that I'm on track to managing it, is very exciting.

On Saturday, there happened to be a gluten-free food expo on here so we braved the serious crowds - paid our $15 each (!!!!) and were promptly disappointed. The most exciting new gluten free product we came across was lollies (or candy, or sweets for you international folk) - soft, chewy ones - they were truly exciting for 10 minutes or so, but sooo not worth $30 worth of admission fees. We realise now that we live in the BEST serviced area of this city for healthy living and whole food shops - we've actually discovered all the decent gluten free alternatives in our local organic shops already! I guess, if you lived in the suburbs though, that expo would have seemed like a gift from heaven. Meanwhile, I still can't find a decent loaf of gluten free bread!

Anyway - I'm really hoping for something interesting to blog about soon - or at least looking forward to realigning from thyroid neurosis to TTC neurosis. Fingers crossed I can do that in November!

I took this photo through the car windscreen, with my crappy camera phone, while waiting in the car for Ducks. I'm impressed with the mood it evokes. It was exactly how I felt that night. Once Ducks was in the car, we ventured across town, through the heavy heavy rain to see Krisitin Hersh (of Throwing Muses fame) perform. She was gorgeous, the sound was terrible.

On days when I feel as crappy as I do right now, I need to remind myself that there's so much life and wonder out there and we participate in so much of it. This is but a brief moment in time and it too will pass leaving but a tiny square on the patchwork of this amazing life.

The good news is that we ate amazing food the other night and it was all gluten free...even the amazing chocolate tart I made was without a trace of wheat. I'm still very impressed with myself for that one.

The bad news is that I'm having some not-so-hot side effects from the thyroid meds. At least I hope they're side effects and not something else. I will say, that a couple of days ago I felt great and really thought they were already having a good effect. But I haven't slept properly for 3 nights now. I can go to sleep fine but I'm waking up and staying awake for ages, every couple of hours. I feel like I haven't been to bed. Consequently, I have a headache permanently and yesterday I threw up a couple of times too. I'm also feeling really depressed - so depressed that I can't even get myself to work today.

I'm really not sure what to do. I know that if I go back to the doc, she'll pull me off the meds straight away - 'cos she wasn't keen to give them to me in the first place. I don't want to stop taking them just yet though because I'm scared of what that'll mean for TTC.

I feel like such a silly complainer. I know that many women have far more traumatic, extended, painful fertility issues than this. And I am really pleased that we discovered all this now and not in 12 months time but I still feel pissed off that my dramatic Aries self has been reduced to this pathetic, whining misery-guts.

Meanwhile, Ducks is having a horrible time at work. Yesterday, she was called in for a 'meeting' to discuss the fact that she was 5 minutes late. This, despite the fact that most mornings she's 15 minutes early and stays back at least half an hour most nights. And while it may not sound like a big deal, it is in the scheme of all the other things her bosses pull on her - like expecting her to eat her lunch in the office so that she can answer the phone while everyone else goes out. She's not the f**king receptionist - and even if she were, she should be allowed to leave at lunchtime.

But then, I work in a pretty amazing place as far as worker conditions go. Maybe my expectations are warped from being treated too well??? Regardless, I hate the way they treat her and I hate that she is so unhappy there and I really hate how powerless I feel over it all.

And I hate that this is a miserable and rambly, boring blog entry too.

Off to google side effects of thyroid meds...

You have to look at this blog! Forget the fact that it's all gluten free if you want. I'm inspired! gluten-free girl! You won't be disappointed....and nor will our dinner guests tonight who will
tonight be fed a gluten-free feast.

We're doing ok. We're now four days into gluten and dairy free and we've managed to stick pretty close to the rules. I had a minor meltdown last night so Ducks went to the supermarket and picked up a gluten free chocolate cake mix. It cheated a little bit as it had butter in it, but I can live with that. Anyway, it wasn't the yummiest thing I've ever eaten but it sure beats the gluten free bread we've been tolerating. Thank the stars that dark chocolate is still on the list of ok food. I simply wouldn't survive without it.

Meanwhile, I've started the thyroxine (which is the Aust equivalent of Synthroid) and am on a tiny dose but I swear it's making me itchier than I've ever been. Is that weird?

I am really not enjoying the neurotic rollercoaster person that babymaking is turning me into. I read my previous blog entries and cringe. I want to be sane and level headed and not ruled by ever changing emotions. I want to state the previous sentence and know that it is attainable but after reading over the ups and downs of the last 2 months - clearly it isn't.

Nonetheless, we are definitely not sperminating this month, we definitely are dairy and gluten free AND I just took my first thyroxine tablet much to my doctors chagrin who really wanted me to wait for the natural stuff to kick in.

Yay to energy and good skin and a clear head!

I don't know what to think now. I keep hearing that hypothyroid shouldn't impact on chances of conception if your cycle is normal...which mine is.

I need to stop reading and trust my instinct, right??

Ok. Not irrational and emotional anymore and decisions have been made.

1.) I am going to take the western meds. Everything I read points to them being ok in the short term. One naturopath even says that if you are ttc you needn't give it a second thought.

2.) We're not going to inseminate this month. There are several reasons. The chances of getting pregnant are so teeny. And, if pregnant, the chances of miscarriage are high. Why put myself through unnecessary stress when stress is one of the biggest triggers of Hashimoto's flare ups? We also considered our wonderful donor in this decision too - we already feel we burden him enough and we'd feel disrespectful of him if we were to inseminate with little to no chance of pregnancy. We don't want to wear out our welcome.

3.) I am going to be much more pragmatic about this whole affair. I cannot afford the stress. From now on, I'm taking all the steps I need to in order to achieve maximum health and fertility.

4.) Ducks, who is plagued by PCOS and endo, and I are going gluten free and are detoxing from dairy for the next 4-8 weeks (we'll see how well we do - no yoghurt and no cheese sounds very hard!!). The gluten free thing will be permanent. It's something we both knew we should have done long before this thyroid thing.

Everything is going to be great!

==========

We just saw Irina Palm at the cinema. Maryanne Faithfull was incredibly convincing as a frumpy, middle-aged woman. I was shocked. T'was a good film but has put me off our plan to watch Shortbus tonight. I've done my dash with penis centred films today!

I'm really tired and really sad today. I think we have to skip out on sperminating next week and maybe for the rest of the year. There's really no point until we get this thyroid under control. I still haven't decided how I'm going to deal with it but I'm leaning toward a bit of everything, even western meds, because TTC is too important to me, right now, to leave any stone unturned.

I had some acupuncture yesterday. My TCM practitioner is giving me treatments for re-current miscarriage which is smart. I've also started on the supplements and am reading all I can on various autoimmune diets. Opinions vary wildly and nothing I've read is nearly as radical as the diet the doctor recommended. Hopefully I'll find a happy medium that will gel with me.

That's about all I've got the energy to report right now - my next job is to go back to doc and get a prescription...wish me luck - I think she'll be reluctant to give it to me.

Ducks and I saw a beautiful film on the weekend. If you like singer/songwriter-y* acoustic music and are a sucker for a thoughtful and genuine storyline, then Once is for you! My heart is still warm. Lovely film, and a nice departure from the many doco's we've recently seen at the cinema.

*I guess it would be remiss of me not to mention that said singer/songwriter is Glen Hansard of The Frames fame --no need to be into The Frames to appreciate the film though.

See it!!!

Well, the next lot of test results are in and they ain't pretty. I'm feeling sad and fragile today as I work to digest the knowledge that I've got Hashimoto's disease - an autoimmune disease that attacks my thyroid and can cause it to be hypo or hyper and may eventually prevent it from working at all. It's certainly not the end of the world and it sounds like it can be managed naturally but it all seems like such hard work. The diet suggested by the doc pretty much rules out every last bit of food I eat. No soy, no dairy, no beans, no legumes, no wheat, no rye, no nightshades, no garlic, no onion, no ginger and so on and so forth. (oh, and obviously, none of the chocolately good sweet stuff either!)

Despite last weeks big blip on the radar, I'm generally not a bad eater. Sure, we eat some stuff that we shouldn't but we also eat plenty of good, whole foods. We rarely eat processed food, we eat mostly organic and we don't use harsh chemical cleaning agents on ourselves or the house. I'm pissed off that despite a fairly healthy lifestyle, I've managed to develop such a disease.

My biggest concern and the reason I'm feeling fragile is that I need to think seriously about TTC right now. While not a big risk, there is nonetheless some risk in pregnancy with all this thyroid business - worse case outcome is reduced fetal brain development. There also seems to be some indication that Hashimoto's plays havoc with maintaining pregnancy. So I might fall pregnant, but will find it hard to stay pregnant. Right now, postponing TTC sounds so much worse than the prospect of miscarriage (which I know is irrational but it's how I feel). I don't know what to do.

Anyway, at the recommendation of the doc, I trundled off to the dispensary and invested in selenium drops (100mg / day), Vit D3 (1000 iu/day) and some tyrosine capsules too. I'm not making any promises about the diet but I will definitely increase my intake of the good stuff (which seems to be every variant of spinach and that's about it) and cut all the really naughty stuff out. And obviously, I'll take the supplements.

Meanwhile, Ducks and I have got some big discussions to have and some decisions to make.

grrr.

Completely exhausted, desperate for some time together and feeling quite like we'd been hit by a truck, Ducks and I last night agreed that we hadn't done such a good job at life this week. Both of us had very busy work weeks which, coupled with the annual spring social surge (you know the time of year when people stop hibernating and suddenly you have something on almost every night?), lurking colds and a nasty incident at work for Ducks, resulted in us generally not coping too well with the little things. The chaotic state of our house was an early clue that things weren't going so well but what really tipped us off was the fact that we had fast food for dinner twice this week! Twice! There have been entire years that we haven't had fast food twice. Naughty us!

We spent yesterday evening chatting about ways to make things better and agreed that a big cook up was in order for this weekend, as was a Saturday afternoon nap and plenty of hanging out together.

This morning, not quite so tired and feeling positive about getting back on track, we buzzed around the house getting ready for a big market trip. On our way out the door, Ducks ventured into the corner of the living room where all our canvas shopping bags had been dumped the weekend before. Imagine the hilarity when she made the gruesome discovery of a bag, still full of last weeks vegetables - shriveled, unloved and (worst of all) unmissed!!! Yep, we really didn't do too well at life this week.

And in TTC news. Our donor is back from his trip next week and I'm currently on CD3. 10 more days until insemination!

Karmic forces got me. I was boasting that my cold was over in 4 days while everyone elses has stuck around for 3 weeks. And now it's back, in full force. And my period is going to start in the next 24 hours. And I'm crabby. And we have to go out tonight. Again. That's 2 nights in a row. Don't these people know we're Nanna's?

I was stood up!

And I learnt an important lesson. You can't organise your entire life with Facebook! At some point, soon after your initial Facebook reunion, swap phone numbers! That way, when old friend has a vague moment and forgets your coffee date, you can call her!

Instead I sat, alone and pathetic, waiting for over an hour. (And what makes it worse was that I twice held the waiter off getting my coffee for me because I was 'waiting for a friend.' Hence when friend never showed, I looked uber pathetic.

It's all good now. We've swapped numbers and re-set the date.

My dear friend W and her partner M and on the same TTC road as us. Last Tuesday W got a very disappointing BFN and left me a message telling me so. I didn't return her call until yesterday. Bad friend. See - she's the one with all the front. She gives over the impression that this TTC thing isn't nearly as torturous for her as it is for me. I should know better. She is really upset and she's starting to panic. How do I best serve her as a friend? At what point is blind reassurance not enough? I don't think she needs to panic just yet. She's only had a few tries scattered over the last 12 months but in her mind, it's been 12 months and she's 'nearly 35' (actually, she's 33). What to do? What to say?

And a quick shout out to another dear friend J. Arsonists set her new home on fire a couple of weeks ago ( eek! ). I'm so sorry for her and her lovely man D. It was their first home. They had only taken possession a few weeks earlier. And, the poor things spent a few days being the prime suspects! Imagine that??
Fortunately, it looks like insurance will cover the rebuilding (and hence the renovation they couldn't yet afford). Fingers crossed for a speedy phoenix rising from the ashes.

From now on, I'm all about checking in with friends regularly and returning calls on the day they come in...

When did it become ok to spend ridiculous amounts of time online? When did the stigma around online relationships and friendships lift? Did I spend such a long time denying my geekiness and internet addictions that I missed the fact that I no longer have to hide it?

I've finally moved on into the world of facebook. I resisted for such a long time but after harassment from several friends, and one in particular (thanks J) I have moved over to the darkside and I love it. And I can't believe the amount of people I'm finding. My IRL social life has picked up 100% because I'm reconnecting with old friends. Tomorrow, I'm having coffee with an old friend who I lost touch with 6 years ago. Last I heard, she was living in Brisbane. It turns out that for the last 2 years, we have lived 2 streets away from each other! Weird huh!!??

Of course there's a down side too. What do you do when people who you've happily lost contact with request to be your friend? So far I've ignored two requests and reluctantly accepted two other. Is there some kind of internet etiquette book that I haven't yet been privy to?

Anyway - what I really want to say is that aside from its superior time wasting capabilities, facebook rocks (and I cannot believe I'm saying it!)

Our favourite time in the week is our Sunday morning breakfast and the threat of skipping it is enough to send Ducks and I into a complete spin. Most Sundays you can find us at our local cafe which, until we moved was a mere 1 minute walk away - from our new place, it's a whole 7 minutes by foot. It is the absolute truth when I say that proximity to 'our cafe' factored in the new house hunt.

Most weeks, we are joined by our friends who live a 7 minute walk away too - though they walk from the other direction and have been known to get distracted by some of the other amazing cafes in the area. The truth is, we're spoilt for choice.
All these linked cafes (and several more) are really fabulous. Not just good, but exceptional. If there's anything our little village in the city does well, it's breakfast and I challenge anyone to find such quality and consistency in such quantity anywhere else in this city.

The fact that week after week we end up back at 'our cafe' is less to do with how wonderful it is (although it really is) and much more to do our intense parochialism and fondness of familiarity and habit. So what are we going to do when a baby arrives? Habit, ritual, routine...out the window! But I figure the best thing about being a Sunday breakfast couple and not a Saturday night party couple is that when babies arrive, they can come too, right!????!

Apparently, I'm supposed to have an opinion on these dykes who are suing their IVF doctor because he implanted them with two eggs when they requested only one.

The case
Ordinarily, opinion is my second name but on this one, I'm stumped and I think I am stuck on the fence. One thing I am sure of though is that I am appalled by the homophobic spin the media has put on this whole thing. The fact that the woman is a lesbian should be completely irrelevant. I guess I'm a bit naive to think that the media would let that one go. Or maybe this really is proof that you shouldn't let them queers breed...

So anyway, my gut feeling is to be a bit grossed out by it all. I completely understand that these women are pissed off. I would be pissed off too. But I think I would be pissed off and then realise that I needed to get over it and concentrate on parenting my two beautiful daughters.

The retort
And then I read the article above and completely understand and support the very clear and valid political points these women are making. Dammit. Why is nothing ever black and white?

I had a big deadline at work today and was well on track to meeting it. A few more hours and it would have been done. Of course, that was before I got this stupid cold. What actually happened was that I called in sick and I slept until midday. At midday, I dragged myself from my bed to the couch and watched Oprah. I was still thinking I could get the work done in the afternoon and email it into the office. Nope. Not me - no stamina here - I did a sink full of dishes in one of my more energetic moments and spent the rest of the afternoon watching clips of LAink , dreaming about my next tattoo (which Ducks has promised to design me before our next round of TTC) and dozing. The deadline has been renegotiated for Monday and I've called in sick for tomorrow too.

It's not fair though. I've never get big work finished on time and this was gonna be my chance to shine. I was so on schedule. It's a conspiracy I'm sure. And of course, now that it's bedtime, I'm wide awake!

I am committed to keeping this blog up and building readership steadily. I know that means I have to keep it up-to-date and relevant. So, when I've not got much to contribute, am I better to post quick little boring posts or leave it until I have something useful and interesting to say?

So today, I am sick. I have a cold and I'm miserable. Ducks has a stack of work on but she still managed to come home from work and cook chicken noodle soup for me before she locked herself in the study and kept working. She's so great.

(Do you wanna know this boring stuff?)

In the old days, I was just as obsessed with Ani DiFranco as the next baby-dyke. I never stopped loving Ani but I've spent the last 5 or 6 years able to live without her. And then we bought Canon
and I find myself longing to be 19 again. Everything was so urgent and intense. I was so motivated and un-jaded. I though Ani was talking directly.to.me (!!!)
Call me a boring lesbian stereotype, but I still love love her.

Indigenous Australians die 17 years earlier than non-Indigenous Australians and Indigenous infant mortality is three times that of non-Indigenous Australians. It is a national disgrace that Indigenous Australians do not have the same access to health services that other Australians enjoy.

We call on Australian governments to take action to achieve health equality for Indigenous Australians within 25 years through:

• increasing annual Indigenous health funding by $450 million to enable equal access to health services
• increasing Indigenous control and participation in the delivery of health services
• addressing critical social issues such as housing, education and self-determination which contribute to the Indigenous health crisis

Before the first TTC attempt, I went in for a pre-conception once-over. I found this fantastic family doc who practices out of a holistic health centre and treats most things nutritionally and rarely prescribes drugs. I only went to see her because Ducks insisted on it. I'm pretty keen to limit the involvement of western medicine in my pregnancy so was generally a bit irritated about having to have the check-up. But, as Ducks pointed out, this is her process too and she would feel much more confident knowing that I was super healthy and fit for baby-making.

So, the doc seemed to think all was fine - my vital stats were great. She ordered a stack of blood work to check my levels but sent me on my way feeling pretty confident - even saying 'so i'll see you when you miss your period!' I went off and had the tests and called for the results a couple of weeks later (I forgot about them for a while). Results were fine. Nothing to worry about. I was really thrilled.

Two weeks ago, the health centre rings and asks me to make an appointment to see the doctor. Apparently, the was something alarming in my test results that we need to address. Grrrr. 'But weeks ago, you told me everything was fine.' Hmph. A mix up, apparently.

Anyway, long story short...I've got a hypothyroid. I'm not desperately ridden with debilitating symptoms but a few things make sense now. I've been putting on weight more than usual lately. And my skin is bad, blotchy and itchy. I have very limited stamina - once I'm tired, I can rarely push myself. And though not depressed, have had trouble with motivation for most of this year.

Fortunately, I should be able to treat this nutritionally. Unfortunately, it can impact on fertility and conception but I'm determined to get this sorted out fast. I'm so glad though, that we figured this out now and not 12 months into a painful and fruitless TTC journey.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting up in bed, dying to go to the toilet but holding on until the pathology clinic opens so I can go and pee in a cup for them in order to run a few more tests. I'm not sure if I'll make it!

And yay for Ducks insisting on that initial check-up. She might be a Taurus, and I might be an Aries, but sometimes - and only sometimes (!) she is right.

I've been asked many times about my motivation for wanting babies. Often, it's come from young-ish friends who cannot fathom the responsibility it takes or from intentionally childless friends who can be somewhat offensive about their anti-child stance. Other times, however, it's come from other women, who, like me, care deeply about social justice and the environment and are battling with the idea of more people on this planet. Their concern comes from a personal and political place and is certainly worthy of consideration.

I just want to add here that I am NOT a supporter of population control and see it, among other things, as Orwellian and VERY anti-woman.

However, on a rational level, why would anyone want to bring more children into this racist, war torn, resource depleted, consumer driven, sexist, violent, homophobic world? Who would want to expose the planet to more polluters? Who would want their kids having to face the VERY REAL possibility of running out of fresh water? (I've no doubt that the next major world war will be over water).

I'm not sure that I can come up with a genuinely sound answer so I'm going with pragmatism to get me through on this one but I will begin by saying that having children is not a rational decision - regardless of the circumstances. Nonetheless, we will bring our kids up to be warriors. They will grow up with the tools and values to promote a sustainable and peaceful world. They will genuinely know what it means to tread lightly on the earth. They will have great bullshit detectors. They will know about injustice. AND, if I'm really lucky, they will give a shit and want to make real, lasting change.

I still haven't thought or read enough about this. Anyone care to share their thoughts or ideas? Can anyone point me to some good reading material on the matter?

I'd like to convince you that I'm not actually this one dimensional person who breathes, eats and sleeps nothing but babylust. In the last few days, I think I've managed to find some of my other dimensions and it's been really good. I feel sane and normal and interested and interesting again. I drank red wine on Saturday night and then again last night - just one glass each night. I was so happy to be able to do so. I realised that I never said goodbye to red wine and I felt relieved to have a second chance. Of course, it's not really alcohol (well, maybe just a little - but not really) that I'll miss when I'm pregnant, but just those little 'me time' rituals.

Now that this baby making thing is a reality, I'm considering all the implications of pregnancy and parenting in a whole different light. I am going to deeply and remorsefully miss the time that Ducks and I have together, alone. It's not as if I'd never considered it before - we talk about it all the time - but the reality of it has just hit, and it hurts more than I thought it would. I thought 6 years (7 by the time a baby is here) was solid grounding but the truth is, it's not enough - no amount of time will ever be enough and there's no such thing as 'the right time.' I get it now.

So - it's wonderful that I'm not knocked up just yet - I've got time, we've got time. I've been lapsed in lots of areas in my life and I'm going to reconnect. I'm going to a political meeting tonight. I've been a lapsed activist for a long time now. I work for an activist organisation and have been making excuses about doing my bit through my work but I need to do something more interesting and personal for me. I'm so looking forward to it and I'm really happy that Ducks is coming too. And, through the power of Facebook (which I swore was not my thing and bagged for a long time) I have started finding a stack of old friends. I'm not sure if I want to catch up with all of them but I'm thrilled to have reconnected with a few. Looks like my social life is about to pick up too! And maybe, just maybe, I'll reintroduce myself to my sewing machine on my day off. Wouldn't that be fun!!?!

Woman comes out at 88 My heart is broken and singing at the same time. Wow!

Looks like the stars are looking after me, and agreed that a Taurus partner AND a Taurus baby would be unfair on me. My period arrived about an hour ago. I'm disappointed but also relieved to have this waiting period over with. Does the two week wait get any easier?

Although it will be another test on my patience, I'm really glad that I have 6weeks to prepare for the next round. Our donor is going to Italy for the month so no insem in Sept. Maybe we'll find ourselves with a sensitive Cancerian...not that I've already worked out due dates if we were to conceive in October..oh no..hehe...

Just a quick update to say I'm still in the game! I'm shocked and amazed...and really nauseous and light headed. No testing until tomorrow (after my period is due) though - I've wasted enough $$ already.

There was a lunar eclipse here last night and I'm starting to wonder if it had anything to do with my PMS grouchiness and the cramps. I'm still not bleeding even though I've felt as though I am all day. I've had these cramps for a couple of days now even though my period is actually not due until tomorrow or the next day. Maybe I'm still in the game? Or maybe I'm just feeling better for a minute because I have just eaten more chocolate than I care to recall.

Still testing negative and feeling crampy with serious PMS. Not looking good this month. I suspect I'll bleed any minute now. Grump. Someone commented that it really sucks to find out that you're not pregnant AND get your period on the same day. She's so right :(

Ok baby. You can feel safe with me now. Do your thing and give me a positive HPT in the next few days OK?

I've just dealt with a big drama and piece of emotional baggage that I've been holding onto for a while now. Boy, does that feel good! Guilt and avoidance are so unhealthy and I am VERY good at them both. Earlier this year, I thought I was superwoman. I was studying fulltime as well as working my very demanding, often stressful job. By May, I wasn't coping. I had big drama at work and was finding it impossible to focus on uni at all. Even when I had the physical time to study, I just couldn't find the head space. In June we had the drama of moving house and it wasn't until July that I had to admit that I'd dropped the study bundle. I decided to quit uni - probably until after baby arrives. After dealing with a lot of disappointment in myself (I'm really good at this self pressure / self sabotage thing) I have been feeling really great about my decision. I've been studying in some capacity for the better part of 11 years now (not to mention the 12 years at school before that). This is the first time in a long time that I've been able to truly enjoy my weekends and downtime without that voice in the back of my head telling me to 'get back to work.' It's been great.

Unfortunately though, my quitting uni actually impacted on other people (who were friends before they were research partners) and I was so immobilised by the guilt I felt in letting them down that I have been avoiding dealing with it at all. I took the cowards way out and sent them a long email. We'd be waiting until Christmas for me to feel brave enough to make the call... I figured an email was better than that. I don't know how they'll react but the ball is now out of my court and I'm very relieved. I know that they'll be disappointed not to get the research for their organisation that they were hoping for but I think they're pretty reasonable and empathetic (sympathetic??) people. I'm pretty sure that there is room to rebuild trust and friendship.

It feels so good to have that dealt with. I'm feeling all righteous now and like there is no reason for the universe to withhold pregnancy from me. I know, I'm deluded.

eek!!! I got comments :) Does that mean I've been accepted as a bona fide member of the blogging universe? I want more comments! Bring 'em on!

Spring may have sprung but it seems that the seeds aren't being fertilised as quickly as I would have liked. It turns out that I'm actually only 9dpo not 10 as I had thought (hoped). That means that the negative result on the home pregnancy test I took this morning isn't quite as demoralising as I feared but it also means an even longer wait.

In this alternate world I'm living in, minutes take days to pass. Days take years. It's made harder by the fact that only a handful of people IRL know that we're in the 2ww. I'm a talker - and I'm generally pretty open about my life, this secret keeping thing is tough.

I'm sure my mum is onto us though...she just called again to see if we had 'any news.' That's the 3rd time she's asked this week. It's true, mothers just know this stuff don't they?

This is our tortoiseshell kitty. She's about 5 and she's hard work - they don't call them naughty torties for nothing. The fact that even blogspot managed to delete the photo of her from my previous post is perhaps a comment on how we sometimes feel about her. When she is sweet, she's very very sweet. Unfortunately, most of the time she's terrorising our other cat, ripping up our furniture, smashing glasses off the dining table or eating directly from the pot on the stove. 90% of the time she hisses and spits if we try to go near her. Rescue Remedy helps, so does homecooked food but nothing really helps. Of course, as I write this, she's being very sweet, basking on the sunny window sill in front of me. One day I'm going to get struck down by lightening for trying to give her away, but until that day, anyone want a naughty tortie?

After a long, cold winter, the air finally smells of sweet blossom and the pets can again doze for hours in the warm sunshine. I love blossom and I'm always trying to take the perfect photo of it. One day I'll get it.

Todays imagined symptoms: cramps, sharp pains in my breasts, overheating, fluctuating energy levels. I'm so gonna cave and test in the next few days. This is truly killing me.

Imagined symptoms continue to plague me...heartburn, cramps, skin breaking out. My imagination is not helped by the fact that my acupuncturist said my pulse was looking good for pregnancy today! Honestly, I'm feeling pretty calm about the prospect of this not being THE month but wouldn't it be lovely...I think I'll test next Wednesday.

In other news, Ducks got a new full time job yesterday. She's been freelancing all of this year so it's going to be lovely to have her generating a regular, guaranteed income. Of course, I'm reading it as yet another sign!

I've realise that I have to keep busy if I want to glide through this 2ww with my sanity. I've got books galore and am lapping up all kinds of pregnancy and parenting books - This week, I highly recommend Breeder - edited by the HipMama crew. A wonderful read that works hard to challenge the assumptions of hetero middle class babymaking habits. I was particularly inspired by Ariel Gore's comment in the introduction where she speaks of having children while, rather than instead of, pursuing our other dreams. This really resonated with Ducks and I as we have felt judged by some of our peer group for wanting kids now - before we've achieved middle class comfort (what is that? $150,000 a year salary and a mortgage to match?). The thing is, we live in this big city with big property prices and a high cost of living. If we were to buy a house, we wouldn't be able to do all the other things that we love to do. Things that we believe make us much richer and will make our kid much richer than owning a house. There's lots of things we want our kid to experience and learn from us - managing big debt and big stress isn't one of them. We're not ruling out property buying forever, just for now. Maybe, after we've travelled A LOT more and got Ducks set up in her career, we'll come back to it - but right now, we're not interested in being ruled by a mortgage. Of course, there are other assumptions to challenge with this too - like babies correlating with the end of the world or the end of ourselves or something...but that's something to ponder another day.

I digress. Apologies. What I actually came here to say is that knitting is on my list of things to do for distraction. I have these beautiful wooden needles and 3 balls of gorgeous Jo Sharp wool (see photo above) and I think I need to learn a stitch other than purl and basic knit in order to do it justice. So - does anyone out there have some good links to learn to knit websites?

Under the guise of 'research' I just took my first ever pregnancy test. I am silly, of course I know that. It came as no shock whatsoever that I got a negative result at 4dpo. Now I understand why they say not to even have tests in the house!

Ducks is a bit annoyed with me now. She's right. It's a big waste of money. No more until agreed testing day. I promise.

There's no way to make this entry particularly different or more interesting than any other 2ww (2 week wait) entry on any other mama-to-be blog.

The insems happened with relative success on Weds and Thurs evening and now we are back to waiting. I have never seen real live semen before and was completely grossed out on the inside but almost managed a mature, level-headed demeanour externally. I only gagged once when I first saw it and Ducks wasn't around to notice! I felt somewhat vindicated upon talking to a hetero friend of mine who also says she gags and is repulsed by semen...my fragile lesbian self may not be such a sooky-la after all!

Our donor - of course, was wonderful. On Weds, I made Ducks collect the goods on her own as I couldn't face the thought of having to look him in the eye. I was too nervous and excited and the knowledge of what he'd been doing not 5 minutes earlier was just too much for me. Ducks called my bluff the next day (Thurs) when in my neurosis, I decided that we had the insem days all wrong and I decided that we HAD to (which in hindsight we didn't) insem 12 hours earlier than I'd first organised with donor boy (he needs a name - I'll come up with one soon and get back to you!) I kind of thought Ducks would tell me to suck it up and inseminate again at the agreed time but instead, she stipulated that if I really wanted to, I would make the call and be part of the collection. So, after a lot of deep breaths and pathetic sighs, I made the call. And he was just so kind and accommodating and no more than an hour later, Ducks and I both collected the goods, proudly (with eye contact) and then dashed home for insem #2. We're thinking that if this one doesn't take, we're going to ask for 3 donations next cycle. He's so relaxed about it, I don't think he'll mind at all.

Anyway - here we are now. 3 or 4dpo (days past ovulation) and back to the slow torture of waiting. I'm going to try and hold out until August 30th to test but I'm allowing myself a margin of error at around Aug 28. Meanwhile, I'm driving myself nuts with a large selection of imagined symptoms - so far I've had a shocking headache, bloating, a tight uterus, minor cramps, increased urination and sore boobs. I'm also seeing signs everywhere I go - it goes without saying that there are, of course, pregnant women everywhere...but more than that - an online friend had her baby on the day that we inseminated and seeing as we're such good friends, it stands to reason that we would have an intense connection like that heh! I'm also having intense dreams...this morning, I dreamed that Ducks was getting married, to a man...because her family wanted her to! What does that mean? Am I going to be a single mum?? hehe.

oh dear. I'll stop now.

The bad news is that my wallet and phone were stolen from my bag on the train this morning. I was on my way to a professional development session and seriously engrossed in my book while listening to my iPod. Big mistake on a train at peak hour. (Was it lucky that I had my ipod in my pocket and hence it wasn't stolen...or, were I not listening to the iPod, would I have been paying more attention? I guess we'll never know.)

The good news is that they found my wallet (which I love and was mourning deeply) - of course the money was gone but everything else was still there so at least I don't have to get a new license and all of that nonsense.

The really good (but somewhat expensive) news is that I got a new phone! I love me a new toy. I try so hard to not love stuff so a real reason to get new toys is very exciting to me. Said new phone may just distract me long enough to make it to insemination day!!!

I never did make it to the prof dev session.

28 hours to go.

i think they'd really get to like it if they gave it a chance?

Have I mentioned that I'm an Aries? Well I am. And one of my key Aries traits is my lack of patience. I've been wanting a baby forever and ever and ever. For the last 3 years, I've been serious about wanting a baby and have developed patience that I never thought possible. I have been really waiting for the last 2 years.

This week has been my newest and hardest challenge yet. Waiting to ovulate. Arghhhh. It's killing me. I thought that I had become pretty excellent at this patience thing but I don't know if I can hold out anymore. 2 sleeps until our first insemination. I've already got 3 pregnancy tests waiting for me. It took all my will not to buy more when I was out today. Even though I *know* that it's pointless, I've been peeing on sticks just to make sure I'm not about to ovulate early. (FTR - I have a perfect cycle. I don't ovulate early, I don't bleed late. It's a waste of money to be doing this. I *know*.)

Meanwhile, I'm drinking my green tea, taking my evening primrose oil, drinking plenty of water and chugging back my pregnancy multi's like it were a religion. There is no way that my fertility won't be in pristine condition come insemination day.

About 55 hours to go!!!

Look what arrived in the mail today!! 10 specimen cups and 10 syringes (5ml). No prizes for guessing what they're for.

Let's just hope that 10 is more than we'll ever need! This time next week we'll have just done the first insemination. eeeek!!!

Ducks is my gorgeous partner. She doesn't really look anything like the duck on the right here but she does agree that that's a lovely image. I'd love it if she would get into blogging too but I think it's going to take a bit of convincing. In lieu of a proper introduction, or even an appearance from Ducks, let me tell you that she is one hell of a person. She's a wonderful partner and one of the most generous people you'll ever meet. I love her and I can't wait to share motherhood with her.

I am a city girl. The thought of having to live in the suburbs really does make me shudder. The thought of having to live in the country truly scares me. One day, I may come to a place in my life where a nice piece of land in the bush is an attractive option but for now, it's great to visit and even better to come home.

How cool would it be to live in the urban centre of city of 4million people and still be only a 5 minute walk from the most amazing living urban/rural retreat in the whole world?!! We do!!!!

Imagine a place with no cars, a huge community garden, a market garden, an urban orchard, an indigenous and permaculture plant nursery, an organic produce market, a great cafe, a sustainability centre, an eco house, an Aboriginal, an Indonesian and an African educational village and a million other community and environmental initiatives...Imagine! Imagine having lived less than a kilometre from such a place for many years and having only had the epiphany about how very cool it is two days ago. Imagine taking such a place for granted!!

I have a confession to make. I have lived 5 minutes from this place for the last 6 years and though I have appreciated it at times, I've mostly taken it for granted. No longer! I am so lucky to live where I live and everyday I am more confident and more secure in my decision to stay here.

Our donor and his partner came for lunch yesterday. They are so wonderful and agreeable and relaxed and sweet and generous about this whole affair. I really can't believe how lucky we got. Everytime we ask something new of them, they graciously agree. Yesterday, I presented them with the draft donor agreement. I told them to take a few days to ponder over it and make any changes they wanted to. 3 hours later, they'd agreed to everything without changing a thing. I thanked them for making everything seem so easy. They replied 'it is easy!'

I guess it's lucky that they think it's easy because I surely have enough neurosis and paranoia for all of us!

We moved into our house a month ago and everyday so far I have felt overwhelmed with gratitude everytime I've walked out the front door and again, each time I've walked in.

Home has been the subject of much review for us this year. We live in an inner urban area, rich with diversity, plenty of lesbian parented families and it's accessible to everything we could possibly need. We adore our suburb. Our close friends all live within a 5km radius and it takes us 15 minutes on the tram to get to the city centre (or 5 minutes in the car when there is no traffic). We have lived in this area for many years. Long before we were a couple, we independently moved in as poor students - back in the day when a room in a terrace house only cost $50 a week. These days, the same room is likely to cost $150 and no doubt the damp carpet and mouldy walls have only gotten worse.

As happens with inner city locales everywhere, eventually, people catch on. Earlier this year, our landlord caught on too and raised our rent by 30%. Gentrification is sweeping through our little migrant, student, hippie village. We mightn't have minded the rise so much if the landlord had shown any commitment to maintaining the house, but as it was, it was falling down. The floors needed replacing, the walls needed plastering and the kitchen left a hell of a lot to be desired. We simply weren't prepared to pay that much extra rent for a sh*thole. And so we made the decision to move.

Problem was, rental properties are scarce at the moment and ours wasn't the only house with a ridiculous rent rise. To cut a long story short, we pained over what to do about our housing situation. We toyed with buying a place (with HUGE help from my Mum) but it wasn't realistic, nor what we really wanted. We even talked {seriously} about moving to the suburbs where we could afford a great house with plenty of space for lots of kiddos. But, after months of painful looking and pondering we have found ourselves 500 metres from our old house - same suburb, 70% more rent than we were previously paying and 100% better house. And we couldn't be happier!

For us, the financial sacrifice to remain in our urban village is nothing compared to the benefits of living here. I can't wait to have kids here!!